Just a blog...blog

Well, the season is almost over and I have been very busy up until this past weekend.  I worked most of Dickens and it was great to be there.  There is something about being there that makes the holidays a bit more special as they were when I was young.  As I have mentioned before, it's the smell of the roasted nuts and foods, the sounds and songs and it's certainly all the decorations.  It's truly magical.  It must really be something to a small child seeing all the sights and sounds in young fresh eyes that have yet to be jaded by the consumerism that plagues us today.  Even though the fair has a ton of vendors all selling their wares-it just doesn't come off as a commercial endeavor-it still seems pure.  That is a good thing.  I am pleased to say that I was a part of it again, even if it was a unimportant small part. 

I know that working Dickens always makes me want to decorate my house.  This year is not different except I have put up more decorations than last year.  I hung up more garland and used the extra glass ornaments that have been stuffed in the storage closet for years.  I have not used most of these decorations since I lived in the cottage in Richmond.  It looks pretty festive right now but the decorations will be coming down soon enough.  When New Years Day comes, I will spend my day off taking it all down and putting it away.  It's part of my holiday tradition that has been done for decades.  I like keeping to the traditions, well the good ones anyway!  Another tradition that I have been practicing for years (well, at least since the movies came out) is watching The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  Guess what's on right now?  For the last couple years I have wavered from my traditions, watching this set of movies is one of them.  There are so many levels of the movie that seem to fit for this time of year and season.  The dark vs the light.  Good and evil.  The strong, noble and true against the wrong, ignoble and untrustworthy.  Sacrifice, honor and friendship.  Virtues that seem to be lacking more and more in this current world.  The movies remind me of all the positive things that can be accomplished, even if it is simply a story-it is still a reminder of the things that are important to me. 

The Winter Solstice has meaning for me as well.  Besides it being the shortest day of the year and the beginning of Winter, it is a time to slow down and take stock of things in my life.  A time for introspection and analysis as well as remembering the important things.  My life has been disrupted for far too long and I have nearly lost myself.  This season I have renewed the things that are important to me and do my best to practice them.  As I have done for years, I gave myself a reading on the Winter Solstice to assess my current life, status and environment.  

The first reading puzzled me some because it wavered on a good reading and bad reading and I wasn't entirely sure if this is regarding simply me or if it is focused on a friend or many friends.  I decided to do a clarification reading doing the Celtic Cross vs my usual five card reading.  It ended up being financially based as well.  I guess whether the reading is specific to me or to anyone else-the bottom line is that I must work harder, stay focused, trust in my friends and accept that despite all the bad that has happened, good will still come.  I shouldn't feel like I am cast aside and remember that there are those around me that feel the same exact way, going through similar if not the same exact things and that we are all in this together.  Since the reading is financial based, I also am keeping in mind that since the Doc is going to be out this upcoming week, I need to pay careful attention to my hours and make sure I get enough in to cover my bills in the next period and also catch up on all the loose ended projects going on at work.  To be honest, I am actually looking forward to a week without any clinic and simply phones and paper work.  The interruptions will be at a minimum and I might be able to get multiple things completed.  This makes me happy....it's the little things.  

As the year winds down, I do want to tie up loose ends.  Internal and external loose ends.  I need to get back the point in my life where I felt centered and "complete" for a lack of a better description.  I need to find a more satisfying place in my life-right now I am not there.  My life feels like I'm running in place on a tread wheel.  I feel like an Olympic champion in the exercise of futility.  I would really like to be able to move forward out of the state I am in.  I know it's close but still so far away.  Part of that problem comes from within me.  Part of the problem is external and almost complete.  Seven months approximately until completion and then I should be a bit more free....until the next thing happens.  Hopefully I will be prepared this next time it happens.  I am looking forward to that time!

Chapter 2~Dickens

As promised, I am breaking the blogs up!

The first weekend of Dickens was last week.  I was fortunate enough to be able to work the first two days of the opening weekend.  Besides working I was able to wander around shortly on breaks and all I can say is WOW!  It was so busy and there were so many people.  It was fantastic.  I arrived early for work at Cuthbert's Tea Shoppe, while passing the main gate I noted that the lines were crazy long and as I tried to find parking...well I had to get creative and park in the boondocks all the way in the back.  I just glad I arrived early both days otherwise there wouldn't have been anywhere to park in the lower lot.  I'm just happy that I had enough time to get ready and get to the shop in time for my shift.  The one thing I noted is the snippets of conversations of the patrons as I was heading in and that there were new people that had never been to the Dickens fair before.  There were families mostly with the kids asking, "Where are we going?"  "What's this place?"  "Is this a fair?"   Of course, there were the normal parent answers like, "Weren't you listening when we told you where we were going?"  but most of the responses were gentle explanations.  I also liked the look of excitement and curiosity when the children would see people people in costume.  Some were asking their parents why the people were "dressed like that".  The only response was, "You'll see" with a smile.  I believe I witnessed the beginning of a holiday tradition for more than one family this past weekend :-).

The shop is in a spot in the back by a bay door and I am thankful for that.  With so many people enjoying themselves, it get mighty stuffy in there so it's always nice to poke your head out for some air-especially when your working in layers.  The shop was pretty busy and as always the line was long with people trying to get a seat for tea and that's a good thing.  But most of the time, everyone that was working in the tea shop stayed in the tea shop.

The shop is bigger this year to accommodate the extra patrons-it's like they knew there would be more people ;-).  Actually the whole layout of Dickens is a bit different but roomier this year.  This is a good thing for getting around.

I came across many of the usual suspects while wandering aimlessly.  The funniest moment was when talking to Cory, he noted that Grant Imahara of "MythBusters" was standing near us.  He was shopping with friends and Cory was playing with the idea of getting a photo of him.  While we were farting around with the idea, one of the gentlemen that was standing waiting for a lady friend that was shopping nearby asked Cory if he would make a custom corsage.  Cory was obliged to make a beautiful set of posies.  While Cory was working, Grant wandered over to where Cory was and pulled out his iPhone and took a picture of him working.  All I could do was laugh because instead of Grant Imahara being in Cory's photo album, it will be Cory in his instead. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Well, this is the second weekend and I will be there Sunday.  I am looking forward to it.  There is something about being there that makes the spirit of the season more real for me, if you know what I mean.  I really can't imagine not being at Dickens.  It's the smell of the roasted nuts and the perfumes.  It's the Christmas carols sung by the carolers heard while walking.  It's the songs from Mad Sal's and seeing the Can Can dancers.  It's the sea shanty songs.  It's the looks on the faces of the patrons, you can see that they feel the spirit of the season too.  It's as if  the Spirit of Christmas Present was there himself spreading the cheer of the season for all that are present to partake in it. If you haven't had a chance to visit the Great Christmas Dickens Fair then now would be the time to try to make it!  There is something for everyone, large and small.  So perhaps I will see you at fair~
http://www.dickensfair.com/

Chapter 1~The Anxiety blog

Since I haven’t really blogged in some time, there is a lot to blog about so I will break up the different things that I will be blogging about in different blogs.  Seems like it would be easier to read and skip over the stuff if necessary.  Not everyone wants to read about how the cats are doing or how my allergies are ;-).

I mentioned a while ago that I was having anxiety and started taking St John’s Wort (SJW).  Now when I say "anxiety" I'm not referring to simply being anxious on occasion but to having a physical reaction to the stressors of my life.  Here is a link to better explain the symptoms http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/anxiety-attack-symptoms .  Why am I blogging about this, you may ask?  Maybe this blog might help someone that might be experiencing something similar to myself.  I will be providing helpful links that have been useful for me since it has been well over ten years since my last attack.  At that time of my last episodes of anxiety attacks, I had friends and family around that were there to help me even if they weren't aware that they were because I simply didn't talk about it that much.  However, things have changed and I find myself separated from friends and family so instead of having the source of comfort from friends I have to work through it alone.  For those that find themselves separate from friends or family, they need to find that comfort in themselves and understand that they can work through these anxiety attacks, it's just a matter of realizing what is happening and taking control of the situation which means "riding the attack out".

When I was having the anxiety attacks before, it was completely random when I would have them.  I'm not sure what was setting them off.  It would be when I was at home, at the store and at work (although work was where it all started so that makes sense).  When I would have the attacks then, I would call my boyfriend and he would talk me down or come over and comfort me until it would subside.  If I was with a friend, we would talk until it dissipated.  Eventually the anxiety attacks became weaker and I was able to "ride them out" and then eventually they simply stopped happening.

Last year, I believe I had my first anxiety attack in years.  It decided to manifest itself while I was on the freeway in the fast lane.  It had been so long since I had had one that I didn't recognize the symptoms and totally freaked out.  Almost passing out on the freeway would make anyone want to freak out.  I had several intermittent attacks as the year progressed.  During this time my financial obligations has increased well past my means and have remained currently.  My life financially and personally is my stressor and for what ever reason every time I drive, I have an anxiety attack.  Now, not everyone will have the same stressor or the same exact symptoms as myself but what ever way you look at it-it sucks.  Sitting in traffic trying having an anxiety attack, oh yeah....super fun.  Good times.

Now, I had taken SJW before for depression and I did some looking around and found that it can work with anxiety symptoms as well.  I have been taking STW for several months now and although the STW is helping with the depression that I had been experiencing it hasn't really removed my anxiety attacks completely but it makes them more manageable. This is fine, but when sitting in traffic it would be easier to find a way to alleviate the anxiety attacks when they start and get the symptoms under control.  I did some searching on the interwebs and found there are other techniques that can help alleviate the symptoms of an anxiety attacks that can temporarily help when really needed.

I did research to find different techniques that might help with the hyperventilating.  I ended up find a very helpful website with a video demonstrating the “belly breathing technique” that helps counteract the shallow breathing that tends to happen with anxiety attacks  http://www.anxietycoach.com/breathingexercise.html .  The website speaks about Panic Disorders but this certainly helps with anxiety as well. 

I know that the website is some guy trying to sell something, but let me tell you-it helped.  Most of my anxiety attacks are breathing related.  The website describes it perfectly.  I don't exhale and I don't even realize I'm doing it.  It sucks.  Something else that also helps with anxiety attacks that might be useful for others is "pressure points".

I found several useful references for which sites would work best for alleviating anxiety and making it easier to breath and feel at ease.  The first one was  http://www.chinese-holistic-health-exercises.com/reflexology-for-anxiety.html .  Since most of my anxiety attacks come on when I'm in my car, I will only be using the upper extremities.  Yeah, no pressure points on my feet while driving, please!  The second helpful site was  http://www.stop-anxiety-panic-attack.com/blog/acupressure-for-anxiety.  Personally, I find the wrist, ears and neck to be helpful with the anxiety symptoms when driving.  The neck (Heavenly Pillar) is the most effective with the breathing while driving although it looks like you are talking on the phone while driving so keep an eye out for CHP that might pull you over for it ;-).

Besides SJW there are other herbal remedies that can be useful to help alleviate anxiety symptoms which I have listed in the links below.  I also have seasonal allergies and there is drug interactions with the SJW and Claritin, which I take.  The SJW reduces the efficacy of the Claritin and other antihistamine so be prepared to have elevated symptoms if you start taking it.  And since I have problems with breathing during an anxiety attack, this doesn't help~but I manage.  Well, that is all I have to add for now on this topic.  I hope that eventually my symptoms with dissipate and I will feel "normal" again because having these attacks suck and really are disruptive at times even with the SJW and alternate helpful cures.  It has taken the joy out of driving and I actually like driving.  Well, actually my current situation has kind of taken the joy out of everything, but I hope I can pull through it pay everything off, shake off this anxiety, be able to afford to do stuff again and get my life back.  I would like to feel like I am alive and not some slave stuck in a loop of work.  To feel whole again.  I know that when one problem is solved the others that are attached will begin to dissipate-at least I hope so since everything seems to be connected!  Yeah, I'm not looking for any sympathy and I'm not big on throwing pity parties. My goal it to get through this and I aim to succeed :-).




Keep in mind if you have a medical condition you should consult your physician to confirm the diagnosis and make sure that you are getting the correct treatment for the condition.  This should be the general rule for any health condition one may have.

More links for acupressure:

http://www.stop-anxiety-panic-attack.com/blog/acupressure-for-anxiety  

http://www.holisticonline.com/remedies/Anxiety/anx_acupressure.htm

http://www.herbalshop.com/Acupressure/Acupressure_20.html

General remedies:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/22066-home-remedies-anxiety-attacks/
http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/conditionsatod/a/Anxiety.htm
http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/home-remedies-for-anxiety.htm
http://www.nutritional-supplement-truths.com/natural-herbs-for-anxiety.html (this one is trying to sell you something but it has some useful info on it.)
http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_medication_drugs_treatment.htm
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/mental-health-medications/what-medications-are-used-to-treat-anxiety-disorders.shtml
http://www.drugs.com/condition/anxiety.html

Links on anxiety and other disorders:
http://www.integrativepsychiatry.net/anxiety_disorders.html
http://www.aafp.org/afp/2007/0815/p549.html
http://www.anxietycoach.com/

It's the "Woke up at 3:30 am blog"

Yep.  No one that I know likes to get woken up at 3:30 in the morning for no good reason other than my oldest cat was thumping around in my closet.  Suspiciously thumping around.  The kind of thumping around that makes a cat owner think, "I think that stupid cat just went pee in my closet."  Yeah, that kind of thumping around.  Needless to say, I got up and sniffed around in the closet and couldn't really confirm anything but I'm going to have to check it out more thoroughly later.  Gordo (the suspect) looked at me and hopped right back onto the bed and went to her spot. 

Since I was up I headed to the kitchen for water and other "up in the middle of the night" duties and then went right back to bed.  The kitten, Alice decided that she would follow me around in the hopes that I might give her food while I was up-no chance at that hour.  I went straight back to bed in the hopes that I would be able to fall right back to sleep.
Haaha hahahaaa ha ha. Ha.

I got back to my comfortable spot and layed there hoping the sleep would catch up to me.  In the mean time Gordo decides she's going to get some attention.  I scratched her head and hoped she would go back to sleep.  Then the kitten came on the bed and started purring.  I never noticed just how LOUD the kitten purred.  She decided to cuddle up to me and lay there purring.  Gordo starts meowing for more attention since the kitten is on the bed while head butting me.  Then Benjamin decided it was a good time to jump on the bed and try to get some attention too. 

So much for falling right back to sleep.

I'm not sure how much time went by while I layed there and soothed the fuzzy beasts enough to leave me alone to sleep but it was enough for them all to settle down and sleep.  I layed there and listened to the furry beasts sleep.  I could pick out each one's breathing and noted that the kitten snores.  I started listening to the world outside still shrouded in starlight.  Everything was quiet.  All the neighbors were sleeping.  There wasn't any traffic on the freeway.  My mind started wandering and I started to drift off until the kitten started having what sounded like a scary dream.  Since she was cuddled up in the nook of my arm, I could feel her breathing speed up and her feet start twitching.  She started to cry and wine in her sleep.  It made me wonder if she was dreaming about when she was trapped.  Was she dreaming about running away with her mother and siblings?  Was she dreaming about her mother running away and her not being able to catch up? Either way, it didn't sound like a pleasant dream. Her dreamed lasted a little bit so I reached over and lightly petted her until she was calm again and her breathing calmed down.

I tried to get comfortable by moving but discovered I was pretty wedged in between all three cats.  I would shift and one would start to purr.  I imagine most people would just kick the cats off the bed despite the fact that they are happy to snuggle and purr their contentment for being near their humans.  My beasties love me and I love them...even if they wake me up at 3:30 in the morning.  I must love them because any human that did that would face a terrible wrath brought on by me and my sparkling morning personality.  Don't get me wrong though, I must admit I wanted to strangle my stupid cat as I watched her walk out of my closet and then look up at me as if to say, "Oh!  Your up?"  Argh. 
I guess the difference between the two is people know better and animals don't.  So I let stuff like that slide.

Laying awake when one wants to go back to sleep but can't is a bit challenging.  The mind starts wandering and replaying different things.  Listening for things.  My mind was wandering to what I came home to the night before after work. 

There is a van with a homeless couple living in it that has been parked outside of the apartment now for the last few weeks.  I know they are friends with the neighbors in the building next door and the people in the van have a small boy.  I figured by the size of the boy that he was maybe 3 perhaps 4 years old.  I never said anything about it because I figured the homeless couple had it hard enough and I didn't want to add to it.  Apparently, my other neighbors thought the same thing...until the homeless man decided to plug and extension cord to our building and was stealing electricity and decided to use the garage as a bathroom.  Yeah.  Make yourself at home.....NOT.  Evidently this all happened while I was at work and one of my neighbors that lives in the building called the cops on the homeless couple to report them and to let them know that there was a child in danger. (Van pictured below)

The little boy is actually closer to five years old and doesn't really talk.  He doesn't really talk because he is stuck in a van with two parents that happen to be meth users that expose their young child to that crap.  Ya know, if you have enough money to buy crank, you have enough money to pay for a hotel room.  HOW freak'n selfish.  The little boy is supposed to be at school instead he's hanging out with his parents in a van parked outside an apartment building as guest to a closet tweaker that won't even let them stay inside his freak'n apartment.  And he is the one that invited them to visit.  Incredible. 

I layed in bed and thought about that, becoming more annoyed about it the more I thought about it.  It makes me wonder how long these people will be staying in front of the apartment building.  I know that one of my neighbors states that she doesn't feel safe with them there and the rest of my neighbors simply want them gone.  I wonder how this will all play out and if there will be any action taken by the Sheriff's department since they were called on it.  I wonder if my tweaker neighbor and his daughter will be evicted for this and have to move due to his stupidity.  I swear it like a freak'n soap-opera it's so stupid.  Yeah, it's a mindful.  I want the van gone but I wonder what will happen to the poor little boy.  By the time I was done with that topic, my alarm went off and it was time for me to get up.  So much for getting any more sleep.  At least I know I will sleep well tonight....after I close my closet to keep my stupid cat out of it.

I am currently armed with a huge cup of coffee but I see in my future a big cup of green tea.  I hope I don't drag tooo much today.

This & That....the weekend blog

A realization:
It was years ago when I had my first panic attack.  I thought I was going to die, or my friends were going to kill me because I was telling them I thought I was.  I had my first episode at a Ross with Ann.  Now, normally shopping would never be anything related "stress" but for what ever reason it came on and I had no idea what was happening other than I thought I was suffocating, my heart was going to blow up and I was starting to get scared.  That's something because I'm not one to get scared.  Concerned, yes.  Scared, no.

Ann took me to the emergency room and they ran some tests and confirmed that I wasn't going to die.  I was healthy as a horse and I was having a severe panic attack.  I was relieved that I wasn't going to drop dead right there but I was a little concerned about another one happening.  They just come on all of a sudden and there is no telling when or where.  At least that's how it was with me.  They came on fast and took about half an hour to pass for me.  After a while I got used to dealing with it and eventually I stopped having them.  As a matter of fact, I forgot all about them.  Until just recently.

When I had my first attack years ago it was brought on (I'm guessing) by the murder of a friend/coworker at my job.  I had been covering for her and working my own shift for well over a month and was looking forward to her coming back to work.  The day she was supposed to come back, she called and asked if I would cover her for a while more.  I told her "no".  I was exhausted and really needed some time off and not to work doubles everyday.  She came in for her shift and she looked upset and we looked at each other and I thought she must not be feeling well because she had a grey cast to her.  Seriously, it was like she was emitting a grey light.  I told her I hoped she felt better and left to go home to enjoy an evening off to relax at home.

Later that night, I received a call while I was reading from another coworker to let me know, my coworker was dead.  She was found in the bathroom dead.  I didn't know the details but I was out of the house like a flash.  Long story short....She died a brutal death that nobody deserves.  Somebody knows who did it but nobody has confessed and no one has been held accountable up to this day.  She was youthful and bright with a shining future in front of her and she didn't deserve that.  And there was a part of me that kept thinking, "Maybe if I had worked for her, she would still be here".  But then there was the, "Someone was after her and they would have gotten to her no matter where she was".  It didn't matter, I still had the nagging feeling.  This feeling, I believe is what brought on the panic attacks.

I think my recurrence of panic attacks is just stress about finances.  They started last year, but it hadn't occurred to me when I was having the symptoms that it was in fact another panic attack.  I thought I was having some type of drop in blood pressure or cardiac issue.  I religiously tracked my blood pressure/pulse and managed to improve it and the symptoms eased up a bit but never really went away entirely only occurring when I was stressing out about stuff.  You think I would have figured it out then and connected the dots.  I feel better now that I have figured it out, but I'm still not thrilled about having them when I am driving or getting woken up having an attack.  Yeah, it's no fun and it's pretty freaky.  I guess eventually they will subside after a while.  Probably closer to my completion of paying off the stupid Credit companies so I wont' have to worry so much.  Oh well.  It will be over with in about another 9 months which is sort of funny when you think about it.  It's also a gestation period-think about it:  After 9 months I will be done laboring on paying off this huge bill and will be able to enjoy myself and all the hard work I did to achieve it.  And hopefully, I will be panic free after that!

On to something a lot more interesting:
One thing that DOESN'T stress me out is cooking.  I absolutely adore cooking!  I am going to a BBQ next month and felt inspired to make a dessert to bring to the gathering.  I at first thought "apple pie" but then I started thinking about the smokey flavors of the BBQ sauce and meats and instantly thought "Bacon!!"  I became inspired and started to look to see if there were any apple and bacon pies out there.  There were but why would I want to copy somebody when I can come up with something on my own? 
I took an apple crisp recipe that I learned while I was a pantry chef at Nantucketts and borrowed some ideas from the apple bacon pies but did it a little differently.  The house smelled awesome while it was all cooking:

Preheat the oven to 375.  While the oven is heating up get all the ingredients together.  I would recommend starting by frying up a package of bacon and have it cooling on an absorbent surface while you mix together the rest of the ingredients:
*6 medium or 8 small sliced red apples (peeled or not, your call-personally, I like the skin)
*1/2 cup brown sugar (I'm thinking with the syrup this still might be too much sugar)
*approx. 12 ounces of maple syrup-give or take a count
*Most of the bacon, chopped to a size you would like
*1 healthy teaspoon of ground cinnamon

Mix the above ingredients in a 8x8 or 9x9 pan.  In a separate bowl prepare the crumble that will become the topping for the apples:
*1/2 cup of all purpose flour.  (I used whole wheat and just added a 1/4 tsp of baking soda)
*1/2 cup of rolled oats.  (I like oats so I added a bit more)
*a few strips of bacon chopped up
*1/2 cup butter

When the crumble is all crumbly evenly pour it  on the apple mixture and pop it in the oven for 40-45 minutes

Close to the completion of the dish, I sprinkled some cheddar cheese on the top of the crisp and increased the heat a few degrees.  Let me tell you, it tastes really good even if it's too sweet for my tastes.  I will adjust the sugar and see if maybe I can find a different syrup.  I may also add more bacon and less butter.  I will certainly be adding more cheese.  More cheese I say!!  Either way, it works.
On to cute!
New kitten update:  She is growing so fast since I brought her home last month.  I would dare say that she has almost doubled in size with all the food that she's eating.  I was playing with her earlier today and noticed the toy that was almost the same size as her last month is now a quarter of her size.  She is having a serious growing spurt.  Of course that would certainly explain why she's always hungry and insists on me giving her extra food.  I know it's not because Benji is stealing the food-I make sure he is no where near her when she's eating.  Benji is my "Chubby Bubby" and I need to closely monitor his caloric intake with the kitten food around.  He can't control himself and will gobble everything up that might be different from his regular food if I were to walk away.  He was like that before Alice came home, though so I am thinking it's just part of his personality.

The vet warned me about his weight and I worry about his bad habit.  I don't want to make him think that he's being punished and not let him enjoy treats but at the same time I don't want him having a heart attack or painful joints from his extra weight.  I must learn that happy medium for him.  I am hesitant to only have the food out twice a day.  Suppose something was to happen to me and nobody was able to come take care of the cats(or birds) for some time-they would starve.  I can't let that happen.  (Huh, maybe that's part of my anxiety too-not trusting anyone being able to take care or love my pets as much as I do in case something were to happen.  It's a "trust" issue I suppose.)

On the bright side, he has been more active with Alice and they chase each other at least once a day.  I can only imagine what it must sound like downstairs!  With the two of them running up and down the hall, jumping on and off the furniture trying to tackle each other. Well, hopefully he will shed a few pounds from all the extra activity.  I like seeing him active and happy.

On to something a bit less fun:
Work.  My coworker (the new one-that replaced the other new ones) is on vacation so I have to be at the office to open and I have to close.  It's painful getting up so early when I get home so late.  I have one more day of this (Monday) but I am not making too many squawking noises about it since I have been scrapping by with my checks and bills (panic attacks, anyone?).  So at least with this I have already managed to obtain 49 hours for the first half of the pay period.  This is a welcomed thing since doc has made us cut back on the hours.  I am a slave to the hours. 

Home:  The landlord has been sprucing up the apartment next door to get ready to rent.  He's asking a bit more money than what can be afforded in this area for it.  I guess he thinks he's in his hometown where most residents have a higher income.  Hell, I know he wishes he could raise my rent again, he's already raised it $100-which seriously messed up my budget for groceries and gas.  It's stressful, I'm not going to lie.  I know I can't afford to move right now and I probably wouldn't be able to find a safe place to with my credit while I'm on the dept cancellation program.  That and my pets-most apartments don't want people with pets that's why there are so many abandoned pets in the shelters.  The owners can't afford what ever payments they have and the more affordable places don't accept pets.  That's just F**ked up.  I have a serious problem with people that think that pets are nothing more than simple property and can easily be gotten rid of.  It seriously pisses me off.  I'm not going to go into the rant that I could easily fall into.  I'll keep that to myself and save it for another time.

Anyhoooo.  It's getting late and I have rambled long enough.  I hope everyone has fun at fair and I really wish I would have been able to make it.  You have no idea how much I wish I could have.   It just gives me something to look forward too.

Morning mental meanderings....

Since I don't talk with everyone frequently and don't post everything as a facebook status-I will post a blog instead.

I received a phone call two weeks back from my biological father.  I almost answered the phone and I noticed the caller ID.  I decided to let him leave a message.  It had been about six years since I spoke with him or that side of the family last.  The message went: "This message is for Wendy.  This is your dad.  We will be moving to Minnesota next week.  Thought you ought to know.  Call me back" 
My first thought was, "Minnesota? Great, my sister will be a cheese head."  I had errands to run so I didn't call him back right away.  A couple days past and I started to think about the fact that it would really be the last time I spoke with him so I gave him a call back.  It was no surprise that nothing had changed except he retired and my sister is now a cake decorator and had received 4 job offers to consider when she moves with my dad.  I asked him why there and he told me because one of his sisters and family lives there and it will be cheaper. 
We had a nice little conversation and I wished everyone a safe journey and good luck.  After hanging up I thought about the irony of him moving away from California.  My Grandfather moved from Indiana during the "Great Depression" for the same reason and now that my dad is moving out of California.  I imagine he'll be able to visit family easier in Indiana now.  Indiana....the state of perpetual highway construction and Arby restaurants (my impression when driving through).  I wish them all good luck.

On to other things...
As most of you know, three weeks ago I got a Maine Coon mixed kitten through the pound via PetSmart.  Her name was listed as Alice.  I like the name and it suited her so I kept it.  She was sweet but extremely timid but has eventually has become a playful, loving spazz.  She was very thin when I picked her up to the point that I could feel her ribs and I was pretty concerned about it although you couldn't tell with all the fuzzy fur except for where her belly was shave to be neutered.  Now there are no worries because she is the bottomless pit in constant search of food and attention.  She will eat just about anything if it lands on the floor so I have to be really careful about what I leave laying about.  She has a bit of a sweet tooth and if the birds spill their fruit flavored pellets, dried fruit or even simple seed she gobbles them up.  I haven't had to really clean up a huge mess around the birds cages ever since Alice has moved in. :-p. 

Every time she sees me with something that could potentially be food, she is right there to investigate and try to taste.  She is pretty pretty quick to figure out when I'm heading to the kitchen and again, she's right there waiting for a taste.  In the mornings, she hops on the bed for a quick snuggle and scratchings with Benji and Gordo then she starts meowing for breakfast.  Who needs an alarm clock when you have a kitten who's stomach can tell time?

Now the only thing I really have to be concerned about with her is that I believe she has mild vision problem with judging depths and seeing in dimly lit rooms.  One of her pupils is smaller that the other, which is noticeable in the photo above and sometimes when she's trying to get a good look at something she cocks her head at a certain angle to look at it with one eye.  She also has a harder time seeing things when the light is dim so I suppose it's a good thing that I leave nightlights on for the birds.  With this visual impairment, it certainly limits her playing and knocking things over in the middle of the night, but don't worry because she makes up for it during the day.  The vet didn't say anything about it but I will keep an eye on her regarding her vision any way. You can hardly tell now that she is all settled in that there is anything wrong with her vision except when it gets dark.  I just find it odd that before I decided to adopt Alice that I was looking through the special needs animals to see if any would be a good fit for my home.  I suppose the universe decided for me :-). 

On to other news....
It seems that these last few months have been filled with "money pits" that I fall into just when I think I am in the clear.  It's just ridiculous.  I need to get my headlight casing replaced and it will cost around $350-when I had most of the money saved Caddy had passed and I got her cremated at $200.  Okay, start saving again for the headlight casing and then I have to go to the doctor to get my precancerous mole removed.  Again with draining money.  Start over again....oh but wait.....my car decides to have it's automatic brake system to go out.  More money is required.  Awesome.  That will cost $80 for the scan and then what ever it will cost to fix the ABS. 
"Cry me a river".  This doesn't surprise me because this is just how things have run for me over the last few years.  It's really annoying but it's just how it is.  I know that as soon as I pay off the Debt Cancellation program then I will have a substantial amount of wiggle room available.  Just a little bit longer and then I will be done with it and will be able to breathe again.  I will be able to afford to go out again if I want to.  To be able to buy myself new clothes again when I need to.  I will be able to afford to go to a doctor and not have it break me.  To be able to get my freak'n car fixed again without sweating it!!  It's just a bump in my road...and I will drive over it.  Eventually.

Speaking of going to the doctors...
I finally got the mole that has been menacing my shoulder removed.  I really can't afford it but after the urgings of people that had seen in, I bit the bullet.  I will admit, I was afraid about going to the dermatologist.  I was afraid that he would recommend surgical removal (as you know I don't have the $$ for that).  I was picturing the worst possible scenario (which I am inclined to do anyway).  The thought of getting my lymph nodes in my armpit biopsied after taking a sample of my mole did not thrill me in the very least.  The idea of possibly loosing my arm or my life was a serious concern but I sucked it up and made the appointment.
I got to the office and they roomed me.  The exam room reminded me of a very tasteful fancy bathroom.  Except there weren't any toilets, just an exam chair.  The whole exam took about 15 minutes.  The doctor looked at all the moles really quick but paused at the problematic mole on my shoulder.  He didn't want to do a biopsy, he wanted to remove it right then and there.
That's when my hands got REAL sweaty.  Can you say "anxious"? 
The whole procedure was so simple, it's almost embarrassing to admit that I was anxious about it in the first place.  He numbed it up, took a razor and deeply shaved it off, popped it in a culture cup and put some silver nitrate on my wound so I would not bleed and then popped a bandaid on it.
That was it.
He sent the mole to UCSF labs to test for cancer and to make sure he took enough off.  I think he was playing it down for me because he knew I was really concerned about it.  I know it was precancerous and my only concern is that he did get it all off so I don't have to go back in and get the dreaded biopsy of the lymph nodes.  Biopsies hurt in case you didn't know.  I have had them before.  Very unpleasant experience.  So wish me luck on my lab results.

Talking about luck...
Casa de Fruta.  The Northern California Renaissance Fair http://norcalrenfaire.org/.  A wonderful fair that is filled with wonderful artisans and crafters as well as talented acts.  The setting is beautiful and there is something for everyone there.  I love this fair!
I had plans to work it this year.  Heck, I still might be able to pull it off if I am lucky and can pull off all the stupid financial crap that keeps popping up.  I'm still trying to figure how I am going to get there to at least get my pass so I can work a couple weekends.  Why did gas prices have to go up when I need to drive a lot?  I have a knack of figuring stuff out, I hope I can figure this one out soon because I really want to try to get there this year even if just for a couple weekends. I had pictured this being the last year as a Town Cryer because let's face it....I'm getting older and I don't look like any one's  young daughter anymore.  Heck, I'm 44 years old and I look more like someones "mom".  Unless of course I get a little cosmetic surgery done-then I would make it work for a few more years. Yeah, I'll just go out back and see if that money tree is ready to be harvested yet.
I love working fair and I love doing parades.  I knew there would be a time when my time as a Cryer would come to an end.  It just makes me wonder where I would fit in now that I am not doing marching and ringing bells?  I suppose there is something for me and it will become apparent with time.  I'm not big on the whole "pity party" thing so I won't be feeling sorry for myself for something that I knew was going to happen.  I'm not an actress, or a dancer or musician.  The only thing I am really good at is dealing with people and cooking. 
Meh.  I will worry about that when I come to it.  There are always booths, F.O.F. or even being a simple patron.  There are always options if we open ourselves to them.

Well, I have burned up enough of my morning with this blog and now I have to get ready to go to work.  Hope everyone has a good Wednesday and maybe I will see you at fair if the fates are kind to me!

The "Domesticated Sunday" blog...

I have to say that I like Sundays to myself.  Not just because it's my ONLY day off but that I can have a full day to putt around the house doing cleaning, cooking or craft projects.  This Sunday being no different.  I have to say that I really do enjoy having domesticated days to myself where I can just do what ever needs to be done around the house uninterrupted by phone calls.  Today's big chore was detailing my glass lamps and little spaces and items through out the house that I normally don't get to as regularly as I would like.  It's a pretty satisfying feeling knowing that stuff is tidy and where they should be in one's home.  My home may be crowded but everything has it's place.  It's also nice to have stuff cooking on the stove or in the oven to give the house a wonderful scent while going about cleaning.

I normally like to cook a big meal on Sundays to last me a couple days since I work two doubles in a row on Mondays and Tuesdays.  So I cook a nice dinner to split up for those days to enjoy when I get the chance.  If I'm lucky it lasts me til Wednesday where I can cook another big meal to stretch until Friday.
Tonight on the stove was my Beef Stew with Blue Cheese drop Biscuits.  This is a spin off of Chicken n'Dumplings (which I love making) and it's basically the same thing but with beef and blue cheese....and with beer or red wine. 

I decided to make them after I opened a bottle of Cabernet to discover the bottle had turned.  So I put it to the side and let it do it's thing for about a week.  At the same time I had some bananas that decided to ripen faster than normal and my weekend meal was decided. My Beef stew with blue cheese drop biscuits and a nice loaf of banana bread!

I don't have a set recipe for the beef stew but it might go something like this:
*1 lb of beef
*onions and garlic to taste (I like lots of fresh garlic and onions)
*bell peppers (frozen or fresh-sometimes I use the Trader Joe's frozen grilled onions and peppers-1/2 bag)
*low sodium stock (what ever is handy)
*a bottle of red wine OR a couple bottles of dark beer ( each gives a distinctive taste so it's a matter of  which you might be in the mood for).
*bag of frozen veggies of your choice to round out the stew.
*Season to taste

While this is simmering prepare the biscuits by making your favorite biscuit recipe and adding blue cheese.  Stick in the fridge to keep chilled until the stew has simmered long enough.

When the soup is ready-drop the raw biscuit mix into the gently boiling stew with a spoon evenly across the pot.  Cover the pot with a tight fitting lid and let complete simmering for about half an hour.

Uncover and let cool for a bit before enjoying.

Now the banana bread was a modification from a recipe I already had but I tweaked it a bit because I don't really care for things that are overly sweet or greasy.  The recipe is super simple and it took no time at all to make:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and prepare a 9X5 inch pan (grease with butter if not nonstick).

1/2 brown sugar

1 stick of butter-normally I would cut the stick of butter and substitute the other half with a quarter cup of applesauce....but I didn't have any.

1/2 cup honey

3 bananas-really really ripe bananas preferably.

1 lemon

1/4 milk

2 eggs

a generous teaspoon of vanilla

2 cups whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

nutmeg and cinnamon to taste

Cream the butter and the sugar until will blended.  Then add the honey, bananas-blend.  Add the lemon and the milk-blend.  Add the eggs until just mixed. Then add the dry ingredients until JUST moist.  Pour in a prepared pan and pop in the oven for about an hour.  Check to make sure it's cooked in the middle and if it is-treat it like you normally would any other loaf of bread.

I have to say this little experiment turned out much better than I had anticipated.  Enough for me to take notes on how it was done!  Now I have some delicious food to last me throughout part of the week and save some money :-).



In an instant...

I haven't had much free time to journal anything lately with work.  It kind of sucks but that is how it is.  I find myself composing things in my head while I'm driving of things that have happened or of things that I ponder.  Busy mind, I suppose....just as long as I pay attention to the road on occasion and don't rear end anyone then I'm doing okay.

My boss must believe that I am omnipotent because I seem to be blamed for all the things that go wrong in the office that other people do.  His only words are: "You should have caught that."   I'm flattered that he believes I have the all seeing powers of a deity, however he is sadly mistaken.  Seriously, he's delusional.  Eventually he will figure out that although I can divine what other's do on occasion by deduction-I am not able to tell what is going to go wrong ALL the time.  If I was able to tell the future I would have bought a lottery ticket A LONG time ago, WON MILLIONS and quit this job to pursue my interests in animal rescue and rehabilitation.

That's another story....or dream.

Onto something that is real
Last weekend after Saturday clinic I decided to walk around a bit and take pictures of the beautiful graffiti that decorates some of the businesses.  I managed to get a few nice pictures of plants and walls when the peace was interrupted by a loud voice.  A loud voice screaming hateful racist profanities.
I looked up and witnessed what I assume is an African-American man trying to walk his pudgy terrier dog on what was supposed to be a peaceful warm Saturday afternoon.  I was shocked to see the assailant was some skinny raggedy looking white man riding a motorized chair.  This scrawny s.o.b. was circling the poor man and his dog like a freak'n mosquito.
I was appalled.
The man simply ignored the A**hole and kept on walking his little dog so I decided that I would continue on my quest to find nice things to photograph.
I wandered down the block about five minutes after the man walking his dog and the A**hole in the motorized chair had gone down the road.  I take a couple pictures of an interesting wall then I hear that Jerks voice.  I turn and look and I see the same poor man and his dog determinately walking down the street while this persistent A**hole keeps on screaming and yelling these terribly hateful ignorant things at him.
I saw the poor man's shoulders sloped and his head down a little bit.  It seems the A**hole's determination to hurt this random man has worked.  The poor guy just kept walking with his head down and shoulder's slumped.  That old F***er was breaking him down.
This really pissed me off.   I was freak'n outraged.
Who the hell did this SOB think he was?!  How freak'n dare he submit someone with his hate and ignorance!  I didn't have my phone with me so I headed back to the car and promptly called Oakland police department.
What a freak'n joke.
It took me almost 12 minutes to get through the stupid ass phone tree just to report the incident.  By the time the operator got on the phone and asked me the questions, chances are the poor man had escaped to his home suffering the residuals and negativity of the F*tard that was verbally abusing him on the street.  What I wanted was for the poor man to see that the said F*tard would be accosted by the OPD and that there was justice that would silence his hate-if just for a little while but that people did care and that type of behaviour exhibited was not acceptable in any situation and any freak'n time.  Period.
I was pissed and frustrated by the time I finished the call.
It felt like an exercise in futility.  So I decided to look for the A*hole while I was leaving the parking lot at work.  I didn't see him and I was very very disappointed.  Two thoughts crossed my mind: Running the SOB over or getting out of the car and pushing him into traffic to silence his mouth. 
I'm still a bit pissed about it.  Rest assured if I see the F*er again.....he will get a tastes of his own medicine from me.  He better have his hearing aids on, that's all I have to say about that.

On to this week on the streets of Oakland....
On Thursday exiting the off ramp that I take for work, there is sometimes homeless people standing on the corners facing the on ramps panhandling for money or food.
This particular morning I noticed a homeless man that I had seen before.  He always had his shopping cart with him with the same plastic bags, but I had never seen him panhandle before. I was stopped at the red light at the four way intersection.  He was facing the people that would cross the intersection to head onto the freeway. 
He stood there holding his sign asking for food or money.  He had just a little hope in his eyes as he tried to make eye contact with the people heading to the on ramp.  Everyone avoided his eyes and kept on going. 
My light turned green but I kept on watching him.  He folded up his sign and as he did it I watched all the hope leave him.  He turned and walked to his cart that he hid behind the bushes and put his head down and started crying.  I was at an angle to witness this.  To witness a man trying to survive and have his hope crushed.  It broke my freak'n heart and I almost started crying with him.  To witness the whole thing.  I can't explain how much it pains me.  If I had the power to help him I would.  To give him back his hope and dignity.  I didn't even have any money or fruit to give him.  All I could do is pray that he got someone to help him, he obviously was looking for it.
The lesson here people is that not all people that are begging are just doing to pull one over on us.  For some of those people, it is simply a matter of survival.  Of life or death. 
Please think about it.

It seems like it's was long ago...

 ...but in fact it has only been two weeks since my oldest dearest cat has passed away.

I will not go into details about her passing, just know that it was painful to watch and I feel that I failed her. I should have done more but I didn't because of financial constraints. It's killing me thinking about it, and I do often enough to punish myself. I love her and I miss her terribly.

She passed away by my desk chair. I can look down and see where she last laid. I remember those last few days, they haunt me. I suppose they haunt my other two cats as well because they both refuse to come into the front room without me being in it.

I get up in the morning and they are both in the room with me. I go into the kitchen and they both follow me. I go in the bathroom...well you get the picture. If I stand in the hall, the cats will sit in the front room doorway and just look in toward the spot where Caddy last laid.

I'm not sure if it's because they remember her there or they see her spirit sitting in her last spot. I don't mind if her spirit is still here but I do not like the idea that she might be stuck in the last moments of her life. They were painful, even with the pain medication that I gave her. I know many may say "there aren't spirits" or "She's gone, don't worry about it." Well, I have seen my sweet girl since her passing. Her last days she spent most of her quiet time behind the couch sleeping so the boy cat wouldn't pester her. I have seen her walk out from back behind and look at me before walking down the hall. I have seen her walking from the kitchen food dishes. Her figure dissipates after a few steps but I see her. I suppose it's completely possible that I have gone bonkers due to grief and I'm imagining it in order to cope with the loss but I have seen spirits before, be they animal, people or "something humanoid" (that being a completely different story).

I know after the cat I used to feed named Grampa Kitty passed, we buried him in the back of the apartment. About two months later, I thought my cat Gordo was sitting next to my desk chair waiting to be scratched. I reached back and there wasn't anything. This had happened numerous times since then as well as seeing a cat running down the apartment building corridor as I'm coming up the stairs. The cat looks like Grampa each time I have seen it. Just like after my cat Rubert passed, I saw him sitting in his favorite spot and jump down, my other cats saw it too. It was funny to see Caddy and Skunky look at where they saw Rubert jump down (we all heard him land too) and then look at me like I did it. Rubert was such a good boy :-).

So it is safe to say that I do believe in animal's spirits. I also believe in residual haunting where things are imprinted in the area where one can witness or hear things from the past replayed. With as many times as she went to the food dish-that would be a residual haunting by itself. She was also very fond of anything with water-the sink, shower, glasses filled with fluids. Her particular favorite liquid besides water was red wine. I had to be careful to set the glass down someplace and walk away. She was very sneaky when she wanted something and knew she wasn't supposed to have it.

It was a ritual with her. In the evenings, I would come home and make dinner and pour myself a glass of wine. Caddy would be right there at my feet crying for a taste. I of course would let her have a couple tastes and then go into the front room where she would sit at my feet and wait for more tastes. I never realized just how much my behavior was linked with hers. A few days after she passed, I came home and made my dinner and poured my wine. I then promptly turned around and leaned down to give her a tastes. It absolutely broke my heart. I still want to reach down and give her tastes of things, but she isn't there. There is that big void where my sweet girl Caddy was. If her little spirit is here, she is probably trying to figure out why she can't eat and why I'm not giving her attention and tastes of goodies. That thought breaks my heart some more.

Her not being here has also changed the dynamics with the other two cats. Besides neither of them wanting to come into the front room unless I'm here-they don't play anymore. My boy cat, Benji is already over weight, now he is getting chubbier because he has no one to play with and pester. Gordo was a year younger than Caddy and they had the same mother-she is acting more needy. She was never buddy-buddy with Caddy but they were always in the same room together. Maybe that was their version of buddy-buddy. Now the Benji and Gordo are always together, which never happened before. This worries me for the fact that if something were to happen to one, the other would be even more lonely. I have been considering getting another younger cat for Benji to play with and mix things up a bit. Caddy was always playing, always playful, always curious and willing to check anything out. There isn't any of that in the home and it feels empty now. I think I will wait on that though to see how the two remaining beasts are after a little while longer.

Long story short, I miss my sweet Caddy kitty girl. She was a fantastic cat and a wonderful companion. I have lost a close furry friend and family member. I miss her.  She was a good girl.

Testing testing...for real this time.

I was compelled to click on the little orange "B" icon when uploading my pictures from Picassa. Lo and behold it's the "Blogger" website. "How fortuitous that I would realize this since I am looking for a new site to post blogs and journal entries.

And here you go. We will see how this works. We will see.

In the mean time, this is a test. This is only a test.