It's the "Woke up at 3:30 am blog"

Yep.  No one that I know likes to get woken up at 3:30 in the morning for no good reason other than my oldest cat was thumping around in my closet.  Suspiciously thumping around.  The kind of thumping around that makes a cat owner think, "I think that stupid cat just went pee in my closet."  Yeah, that kind of thumping around.  Needless to say, I got up and sniffed around in the closet and couldn't really confirm anything but I'm going to have to check it out more thoroughly later.  Gordo (the suspect) looked at me and hopped right back onto the bed and went to her spot. 

Since I was up I headed to the kitchen for water and other "up in the middle of the night" duties and then went right back to bed.  The kitten, Alice decided that she would follow me around in the hopes that I might give her food while I was up-no chance at that hour.  I went straight back to bed in the hopes that I would be able to fall right back to sleep.
Haaha hahahaaa ha ha. Ha.

I got back to my comfortable spot and layed there hoping the sleep would catch up to me.  In the mean time Gordo decides she's going to get some attention.  I scratched her head and hoped she would go back to sleep.  Then the kitten came on the bed and started purring.  I never noticed just how LOUD the kitten purred.  She decided to cuddle up to me and lay there purring.  Gordo starts meowing for more attention since the kitten is on the bed while head butting me.  Then Benjamin decided it was a good time to jump on the bed and try to get some attention too. 

So much for falling right back to sleep.

I'm not sure how much time went by while I layed there and soothed the fuzzy beasts enough to leave me alone to sleep but it was enough for them all to settle down and sleep.  I layed there and listened to the furry beasts sleep.  I could pick out each one's breathing and noted that the kitten snores.  I started listening to the world outside still shrouded in starlight.  Everything was quiet.  All the neighbors were sleeping.  There wasn't any traffic on the freeway.  My mind started wandering and I started to drift off until the kitten started having what sounded like a scary dream.  Since she was cuddled up in the nook of my arm, I could feel her breathing speed up and her feet start twitching.  She started to cry and wine in her sleep.  It made me wonder if she was dreaming about when she was trapped.  Was she dreaming about running away with her mother and siblings?  Was she dreaming about her mother running away and her not being able to catch up? Either way, it didn't sound like a pleasant dream. Her dreamed lasted a little bit so I reached over and lightly petted her until she was calm again and her breathing calmed down.

I tried to get comfortable by moving but discovered I was pretty wedged in between all three cats.  I would shift and one would start to purr.  I imagine most people would just kick the cats off the bed despite the fact that they are happy to snuggle and purr their contentment for being near their humans.  My beasties love me and I love them...even if they wake me up at 3:30 in the morning.  I must love them because any human that did that would face a terrible wrath brought on by me and my sparkling morning personality.  Don't get me wrong though, I must admit I wanted to strangle my stupid cat as I watched her walk out of my closet and then look up at me as if to say, "Oh!  Your up?"  Argh. 
I guess the difference between the two is people know better and animals don't.  So I let stuff like that slide.

Laying awake when one wants to go back to sleep but can't is a bit challenging.  The mind starts wandering and replaying different things.  Listening for things.  My mind was wandering to what I came home to the night before after work. 

There is a van with a homeless couple living in it that has been parked outside of the apartment now for the last few weeks.  I know they are friends with the neighbors in the building next door and the people in the van have a small boy.  I figured by the size of the boy that he was maybe 3 perhaps 4 years old.  I never said anything about it because I figured the homeless couple had it hard enough and I didn't want to add to it.  Apparently, my other neighbors thought the same thing...until the homeless man decided to plug and extension cord to our building and was stealing electricity and decided to use the garage as a bathroom.  Yeah.  Make yourself at home.....NOT.  Evidently this all happened while I was at work and one of my neighbors that lives in the building called the cops on the homeless couple to report them and to let them know that there was a child in danger. (Van pictured below)

The little boy is actually closer to five years old and doesn't really talk.  He doesn't really talk because he is stuck in a van with two parents that happen to be meth users that expose their young child to that crap.  Ya know, if you have enough money to buy crank, you have enough money to pay for a hotel room.  HOW freak'n selfish.  The little boy is supposed to be at school instead he's hanging out with his parents in a van parked outside an apartment building as guest to a closet tweaker that won't even let them stay inside his freak'n apartment.  And he is the one that invited them to visit.  Incredible. 

I layed in bed and thought about that, becoming more annoyed about it the more I thought about it.  It makes me wonder how long these people will be staying in front of the apartment building.  I know that one of my neighbors states that she doesn't feel safe with them there and the rest of my neighbors simply want them gone.  I wonder how this will all play out and if there will be any action taken by the Sheriff's department since they were called on it.  I wonder if my tweaker neighbor and his daughter will be evicted for this and have to move due to his stupidity.  I swear it like a freak'n soap-opera it's so stupid.  Yeah, it's a mindful.  I want the van gone but I wonder what will happen to the poor little boy.  By the time I was done with that topic, my alarm went off and it was time for me to get up.  So much for getting any more sleep.  At least I know I will sleep well tonight....after I close my closet to keep my stupid cat out of it.

I am currently armed with a huge cup of coffee but I see in my future a big cup of green tea.  I hope I don't drag tooo much today.

This & That....the weekend blog

A realization:
It was years ago when I had my first panic attack.  I thought I was going to die, or my friends were going to kill me because I was telling them I thought I was.  I had my first episode at a Ross with Ann.  Now, normally shopping would never be anything related "stress" but for what ever reason it came on and I had no idea what was happening other than I thought I was suffocating, my heart was going to blow up and I was starting to get scared.  That's something because I'm not one to get scared.  Concerned, yes.  Scared, no.

Ann took me to the emergency room and they ran some tests and confirmed that I wasn't going to die.  I was healthy as a horse and I was having a severe panic attack.  I was relieved that I wasn't going to drop dead right there but I was a little concerned about another one happening.  They just come on all of a sudden and there is no telling when or where.  At least that's how it was with me.  They came on fast and took about half an hour to pass for me.  After a while I got used to dealing with it and eventually I stopped having them.  As a matter of fact, I forgot all about them.  Until just recently.

When I had my first attack years ago it was brought on (I'm guessing) by the murder of a friend/coworker at my job.  I had been covering for her and working my own shift for well over a month and was looking forward to her coming back to work.  The day she was supposed to come back, she called and asked if I would cover her for a while more.  I told her "no".  I was exhausted and really needed some time off and not to work doubles everyday.  She came in for her shift and she looked upset and we looked at each other and I thought she must not be feeling well because she had a grey cast to her.  Seriously, it was like she was emitting a grey light.  I told her I hoped she felt better and left to go home to enjoy an evening off to relax at home.

Later that night, I received a call while I was reading from another coworker to let me know, my coworker was dead.  She was found in the bathroom dead.  I didn't know the details but I was out of the house like a flash.  Long story short....She died a brutal death that nobody deserves.  Somebody knows who did it but nobody has confessed and no one has been held accountable up to this day.  She was youthful and bright with a shining future in front of her and she didn't deserve that.  And there was a part of me that kept thinking, "Maybe if I had worked for her, she would still be here".  But then there was the, "Someone was after her and they would have gotten to her no matter where she was".  It didn't matter, I still had the nagging feeling.  This feeling, I believe is what brought on the panic attacks.

I think my recurrence of panic attacks is just stress about finances.  They started last year, but it hadn't occurred to me when I was having the symptoms that it was in fact another panic attack.  I thought I was having some type of drop in blood pressure or cardiac issue.  I religiously tracked my blood pressure/pulse and managed to improve it and the symptoms eased up a bit but never really went away entirely only occurring when I was stressing out about stuff.  You think I would have figured it out then and connected the dots.  I feel better now that I have figured it out, but I'm still not thrilled about having them when I am driving or getting woken up having an attack.  Yeah, it's no fun and it's pretty freaky.  I guess eventually they will subside after a while.  Probably closer to my completion of paying off the stupid Credit companies so I wont' have to worry so much.  Oh well.  It will be over with in about another 9 months which is sort of funny when you think about it.  It's also a gestation period-think about it:  After 9 months I will be done laboring on paying off this huge bill and will be able to enjoy myself and all the hard work I did to achieve it.  And hopefully, I will be panic free after that!

On to something a lot more interesting:
One thing that DOESN'T stress me out is cooking.  I absolutely adore cooking!  I am going to a BBQ next month and felt inspired to make a dessert to bring to the gathering.  I at first thought "apple pie" but then I started thinking about the smokey flavors of the BBQ sauce and meats and instantly thought "Bacon!!"  I became inspired and started to look to see if there were any apple and bacon pies out there.  There were but why would I want to copy somebody when I can come up with something on my own? 
I took an apple crisp recipe that I learned while I was a pantry chef at Nantucketts and borrowed some ideas from the apple bacon pies but did it a little differently.  The house smelled awesome while it was all cooking:

Preheat the oven to 375.  While the oven is heating up get all the ingredients together.  I would recommend starting by frying up a package of bacon and have it cooling on an absorbent surface while you mix together the rest of the ingredients:
*6 medium or 8 small sliced red apples (peeled or not, your call-personally, I like the skin)
*1/2 cup brown sugar (I'm thinking with the syrup this still might be too much sugar)
*approx. 12 ounces of maple syrup-give or take a count
*Most of the bacon, chopped to a size you would like
*1 healthy teaspoon of ground cinnamon

Mix the above ingredients in a 8x8 or 9x9 pan.  In a separate bowl prepare the crumble that will become the topping for the apples:
*1/2 cup of all purpose flour.  (I used whole wheat and just added a 1/4 tsp of baking soda)
*1/2 cup of rolled oats.  (I like oats so I added a bit more)
*a few strips of bacon chopped up
*1/2 cup butter

When the crumble is all crumbly evenly pour it  on the apple mixture and pop it in the oven for 40-45 minutes

Close to the completion of the dish, I sprinkled some cheddar cheese on the top of the crisp and increased the heat a few degrees.  Let me tell you, it tastes really good even if it's too sweet for my tastes.  I will adjust the sugar and see if maybe I can find a different syrup.  I may also add more bacon and less butter.  I will certainly be adding more cheese.  More cheese I say!!  Either way, it works.
On to cute!
New kitten update:  She is growing so fast since I brought her home last month.  I would dare say that she has almost doubled in size with all the food that she's eating.  I was playing with her earlier today and noticed the toy that was almost the same size as her last month is now a quarter of her size.  She is having a serious growing spurt.  Of course that would certainly explain why she's always hungry and insists on me giving her extra food.  I know it's not because Benji is stealing the food-I make sure he is no where near her when she's eating.  Benji is my "Chubby Bubby" and I need to closely monitor his caloric intake with the kitten food around.  He can't control himself and will gobble everything up that might be different from his regular food if I were to walk away.  He was like that before Alice came home, though so I am thinking it's just part of his personality.

The vet warned me about his weight and I worry about his bad habit.  I don't want to make him think that he's being punished and not let him enjoy treats but at the same time I don't want him having a heart attack or painful joints from his extra weight.  I must learn that happy medium for him.  I am hesitant to only have the food out twice a day.  Suppose something was to happen to me and nobody was able to come take care of the cats(or birds) for some time-they would starve.  I can't let that happen.  (Huh, maybe that's part of my anxiety too-not trusting anyone being able to take care or love my pets as much as I do in case something were to happen.  It's a "trust" issue I suppose.)

On the bright side, he has been more active with Alice and they chase each other at least once a day.  I can only imagine what it must sound like downstairs!  With the two of them running up and down the hall, jumping on and off the furniture trying to tackle each other. Well, hopefully he will shed a few pounds from all the extra activity.  I like seeing him active and happy.

On to something a bit less fun:
Work.  My coworker (the new one-that replaced the other new ones) is on vacation so I have to be at the office to open and I have to close.  It's painful getting up so early when I get home so late.  I have one more day of this (Monday) but I am not making too many squawking noises about it since I have been scrapping by with my checks and bills (panic attacks, anyone?).  So at least with this I have already managed to obtain 49 hours for the first half of the pay period.  This is a welcomed thing since doc has made us cut back on the hours.  I am a slave to the hours. 

Home:  The landlord has been sprucing up the apartment next door to get ready to rent.  He's asking a bit more money than what can be afforded in this area for it.  I guess he thinks he's in his hometown where most residents have a higher income.  Hell, I know he wishes he could raise my rent again, he's already raised it $100-which seriously messed up my budget for groceries and gas.  It's stressful, I'm not going to lie.  I know I can't afford to move right now and I probably wouldn't be able to find a safe place to with my credit while I'm on the dept cancellation program.  That and my pets-most apartments don't want people with pets that's why there are so many abandoned pets in the shelters.  The owners can't afford what ever payments they have and the more affordable places don't accept pets.  That's just F**ked up.  I have a serious problem with people that think that pets are nothing more than simple property and can easily be gotten rid of.  It seriously pisses me off.  I'm not going to go into the rant that I could easily fall into.  I'll keep that to myself and save it for another time.

Anyhoooo.  It's getting late and I have rambled long enough.  I hope everyone has fun at fair and I really wish I would have been able to make it.  You have no idea how much I wish I could have.   It just gives me something to look forward too.

Morning mental meanderings....

Since I don't talk with everyone frequently and don't post everything as a facebook status-I will post a blog instead.

I received a phone call two weeks back from my biological father.  I almost answered the phone and I noticed the caller ID.  I decided to let him leave a message.  It had been about six years since I spoke with him or that side of the family last.  The message went: "This message is for Wendy.  This is your dad.  We will be moving to Minnesota next week.  Thought you ought to know.  Call me back" 
My first thought was, "Minnesota? Great, my sister will be a cheese head."  I had errands to run so I didn't call him back right away.  A couple days past and I started to think about the fact that it would really be the last time I spoke with him so I gave him a call back.  It was no surprise that nothing had changed except he retired and my sister is now a cake decorator and had received 4 job offers to consider when she moves with my dad.  I asked him why there and he told me because one of his sisters and family lives there and it will be cheaper. 
We had a nice little conversation and I wished everyone a safe journey and good luck.  After hanging up I thought about the irony of him moving away from California.  My Grandfather moved from Indiana during the "Great Depression" for the same reason and now that my dad is moving out of California.  I imagine he'll be able to visit family easier in Indiana now.  Indiana....the state of perpetual highway construction and Arby restaurants (my impression when driving through).  I wish them all good luck.

On to other things...
As most of you know, three weeks ago I got a Maine Coon mixed kitten through the pound via PetSmart.  Her name was listed as Alice.  I like the name and it suited her so I kept it.  She was sweet but extremely timid but has eventually has become a playful, loving spazz.  She was very thin when I picked her up to the point that I could feel her ribs and I was pretty concerned about it although you couldn't tell with all the fuzzy fur except for where her belly was shave to be neutered.  Now there are no worries because she is the bottomless pit in constant search of food and attention.  She will eat just about anything if it lands on the floor so I have to be really careful about what I leave laying about.  She has a bit of a sweet tooth and if the birds spill their fruit flavored pellets, dried fruit or even simple seed she gobbles them up.  I haven't had to really clean up a huge mess around the birds cages ever since Alice has moved in. :-p. 

Every time she sees me with something that could potentially be food, she is right there to investigate and try to taste.  She is pretty pretty quick to figure out when I'm heading to the kitchen and again, she's right there waiting for a taste.  In the mornings, she hops on the bed for a quick snuggle and scratchings with Benji and Gordo then she starts meowing for breakfast.  Who needs an alarm clock when you have a kitten who's stomach can tell time?

Now the only thing I really have to be concerned about with her is that I believe she has mild vision problem with judging depths and seeing in dimly lit rooms.  One of her pupils is smaller that the other, which is noticeable in the photo above and sometimes when she's trying to get a good look at something she cocks her head at a certain angle to look at it with one eye.  She also has a harder time seeing things when the light is dim so I suppose it's a good thing that I leave nightlights on for the birds.  With this visual impairment, it certainly limits her playing and knocking things over in the middle of the night, but don't worry because she makes up for it during the day.  The vet didn't say anything about it but I will keep an eye on her regarding her vision any way. You can hardly tell now that she is all settled in that there is anything wrong with her vision except when it gets dark.  I just find it odd that before I decided to adopt Alice that I was looking through the special needs animals to see if any would be a good fit for my home.  I suppose the universe decided for me :-). 

On to other news....
It seems that these last few months have been filled with "money pits" that I fall into just when I think I am in the clear.  It's just ridiculous.  I need to get my headlight casing replaced and it will cost around $350-when I had most of the money saved Caddy had passed and I got her cremated at $200.  Okay, start saving again for the headlight casing and then I have to go to the doctor to get my precancerous mole removed.  Again with draining money.  Start over again....oh but wait.....my car decides to have it's automatic brake system to go out.  More money is required.  Awesome.  That will cost $80 for the scan and then what ever it will cost to fix the ABS. 
"Cry me a river".  This doesn't surprise me because this is just how things have run for me over the last few years.  It's really annoying but it's just how it is.  I know that as soon as I pay off the Debt Cancellation program then I will have a substantial amount of wiggle room available.  Just a little bit longer and then I will be done with it and will be able to breathe again.  I will be able to afford to go out again if I want to.  To be able to buy myself new clothes again when I need to.  I will be able to afford to go to a doctor and not have it break me.  To be able to get my freak'n car fixed again without sweating it!!  It's just a bump in my road...and I will drive over it.  Eventually.

Speaking of going to the doctors...
I finally got the mole that has been menacing my shoulder removed.  I really can't afford it but after the urgings of people that had seen in, I bit the bullet.  I will admit, I was afraid about going to the dermatologist.  I was afraid that he would recommend surgical removal (as you know I don't have the $$ for that).  I was picturing the worst possible scenario (which I am inclined to do anyway).  The thought of getting my lymph nodes in my armpit biopsied after taking a sample of my mole did not thrill me in the very least.  The idea of possibly loosing my arm or my life was a serious concern but I sucked it up and made the appointment.
I got to the office and they roomed me.  The exam room reminded me of a very tasteful fancy bathroom.  Except there weren't any toilets, just an exam chair.  The whole exam took about 15 minutes.  The doctor looked at all the moles really quick but paused at the problematic mole on my shoulder.  He didn't want to do a biopsy, he wanted to remove it right then and there.
That's when my hands got REAL sweaty.  Can you say "anxious"? 
The whole procedure was so simple, it's almost embarrassing to admit that I was anxious about it in the first place.  He numbed it up, took a razor and deeply shaved it off, popped it in a culture cup and put some silver nitrate on my wound so I would not bleed and then popped a bandaid on it.
That was it.
He sent the mole to UCSF labs to test for cancer and to make sure he took enough off.  I think he was playing it down for me because he knew I was really concerned about it.  I know it was precancerous and my only concern is that he did get it all off so I don't have to go back in and get the dreaded biopsy of the lymph nodes.  Biopsies hurt in case you didn't know.  I have had them before.  Very unpleasant experience.  So wish me luck on my lab results.

Talking about luck...
Casa de Fruta.  The Northern California Renaissance Fair http://norcalrenfaire.org/.  A wonderful fair that is filled with wonderful artisans and crafters as well as talented acts.  The setting is beautiful and there is something for everyone there.  I love this fair!
I had plans to work it this year.  Heck, I still might be able to pull it off if I am lucky and can pull off all the stupid financial crap that keeps popping up.  I'm still trying to figure how I am going to get there to at least get my pass so I can work a couple weekends.  Why did gas prices have to go up when I need to drive a lot?  I have a knack of figuring stuff out, I hope I can figure this one out soon because I really want to try to get there this year even if just for a couple weekends. I had pictured this being the last year as a Town Cryer because let's face it....I'm getting older and I don't look like any one's  young daughter anymore.  Heck, I'm 44 years old and I look more like someones "mom".  Unless of course I get a little cosmetic surgery done-then I would make it work for a few more years. Yeah, I'll just go out back and see if that money tree is ready to be harvested yet.
I love working fair and I love doing parades.  I knew there would be a time when my time as a Cryer would come to an end.  It just makes me wonder where I would fit in now that I am not doing marching and ringing bells?  I suppose there is something for me and it will become apparent with time.  I'm not big on the whole "pity party" thing so I won't be feeling sorry for myself for something that I knew was going to happen.  I'm not an actress, or a dancer or musician.  The only thing I am really good at is dealing with people and cooking. 
Meh.  I will worry about that when I come to it.  There are always booths, F.O.F. or even being a simple patron.  There are always options if we open ourselves to them.

Well, I have burned up enough of my morning with this blog and now I have to get ready to go to work.  Hope everyone has a good Wednesday and maybe I will see you at fair if the fates are kind to me!