It was years ago when I had my first panic attack. I thought I was going to die, or my friends were going to kill me because I was telling them I thought I was. I had my first episode at a Ross with Ann. Now, normally shopping would never be anything related "stress" but for what ever reason it came on and I had no idea what was happening other than I thought I was suffocating, my heart was going to blow up and I was starting to get scared. That's something because I'm not one to get scared. Concerned, yes. Scared, no.
Ann took me to the emergency room and they ran some tests and confirmed that I wasn't going to die. I was healthy as a horse and I was having a severe panic attack. I was relieved that I wasn't going to drop dead right there but I was a little concerned about another one happening. They just come on all of a sudden and there is no telling when or where. At least that's how it was with me. They came on fast and took about half an hour to pass for me. After a while I got used to dealing with it and eventually I stopped having them. As a matter of fact, I forgot all about them. Until just recently.
When I had my first attack years ago it was brought on (I'm guessing) by the murder of a friend/coworker at my job. I had been covering for her and working my own shift for well over a month and was looking forward to her coming back to work. The day she was supposed to come back, she called and asked if I would cover her for a while more. I told her "no". I was exhausted and really needed some time off and not to work doubles everyday. She came in for her shift and she looked upset and we looked at each other and I thought she must not be feeling well because she had a grey cast to her. Seriously, it was like she was emitting a grey light. I told her I hoped she felt better and left to go home to enjoy an evening off to relax at home.
Later that night, I received a call while I was reading from another coworker to let me know, my coworker was dead. She was found in the bathroom dead. I didn't know the details but I was out of the house like a flash. Long story short....She died a brutal death that nobody deserves. Somebody knows who did it but nobody has confessed and no one has been held accountable up to this day. She was youthful and bright with a shining future in front of her and she didn't deserve that. And there was a part of me that kept thinking, "Maybe if I had worked for her, she would still be here". But then there was the, "Someone was after her and they would have gotten to her no matter where she was". It didn't matter, I still had the nagging feeling. This feeling, I believe is what brought on the panic attacks.
I think my recurrence of panic attacks is just stress about finances. They started last year, but it hadn't occurred to me when I was having the symptoms that it was in fact another panic attack. I thought I was having some type of drop in blood pressure or cardiac issue. I religiously tracked my blood pressure/pulse and managed to improve it and the symptoms eased up a bit but never really went away entirely only occurring when I was stressing out about stuff. You think I would have figured it out then and connected the dots. I feel better now that I have figured it out, but I'm still not thrilled about having them when I am driving or getting woken up having an attack. Yeah, it's no fun and it's pretty freaky. I guess eventually they will subside after a while. Probably closer to my completion of paying off the stupid Credit companies so I wont' have to worry so much. Oh well. It will be over with in about another 9 months which is sort of funny when you think about it. It's also a gestation period-think about it: After 9 months I will be done laboring on paying off this huge bill and will be able to enjoy myself and all the hard work I did to achieve it. And hopefully, I will be panic free after that!
On to something a lot more interesting:
One thing that DOESN'T stress me out is cooking. I absolutely adore cooking! I am going to a BBQ next month and felt inspired to make a dessert to bring to the gathering. I at first thought "apple pie" but then I started thinking about the smokey flavors of the BBQ sauce and meats and instantly thought "Bacon!!" I became inspired and started to look to see if there were any apple and bacon pies out there. There were but why would I want to copy somebody when I can come up with something on my own?
I took an apple crisp recipe that I learned while I was a pantry chef at Nantucketts and borrowed some ideas from the apple bacon pies but did it a little differently. The house smelled awesome while it was all cooking:
Preheat the oven to 375. While the oven is heating up get all the ingredients together. I would recommend starting by frying up a package of bacon and have it cooling on an absorbent surface while you mix together the rest of the ingredients:
*6 medium or 8 small sliced red apples (peeled or not, your call-personally, I like the skin)
*1/2 cup brown sugar (I'm thinking with the syrup this still might be too much sugar)
*approx. 12 ounces of maple syrup-give or take a count
*Most of the bacon, chopped to a size you would like
*1 healthy teaspoon of ground cinnamon
*1/2 cup of all purpose flour. (I used whole wheat and just added a 1/4 tsp of baking soda)
*1/2 cup of rolled oats. (I like oats so I added a bit more)
*a few strips of bacon chopped up
*1/2 cup butter
On to cute!
New kitten update: She is growing so fast since I brought her home last month. I would dare say that she has almost doubled in size with all the food that she's eating. I was playing with her earlier today and noticed the toy that was almost the same size as her last month is now a quarter of her size. She is having a serious growing spurt. Of course that would certainly explain why she's always hungry and insists on me giving her extra food. I know it's not because Benji is stealing the food-I make sure he is no where near her when she's eating. Benji is my "Chubby Bubby" and I need to closely monitor his caloric intake with the kitten food around. He can't control himself and will gobble everything up that might be different from his regular food if I were to walk away. He was like that before Alice came home, though so I am thinking it's just part of his personality.
The vet warned me about his weight and I worry about his bad habit. I don't want to make him think that he's being punished and not let him enjoy treats but at the same time I don't want him having a heart attack or painful joints from his extra weight. I must learn that happy medium for him. I am hesitant to only have the food out twice a day. Suppose something was to happen to me and nobody was able to come take care of the cats(or birds) for some time-they would starve. I can't let that happen. (Huh, maybe that's part of my anxiety too-not trusting anyone being able to take care or love my pets as much as I do in case something were to happen. It's a "trust" issue I suppose.)
On the bright side, he has been more active with Alice and they chase each other at least once a day. I can only imagine what it must sound like downstairs! With the two of them running up and down the hall, jumping on and off the furniture trying to tackle each other. Well, hopefully he will shed a few pounds from all the extra activity. I like seeing him active and happy.
Work. My coworker (the new one-that replaced the other new ones) is on vacation so I have to be at the office to open and I have to close. It's painful getting up so early when I get home so late. I have one more day of this (Monday) but I am not making too many squawking noises about it since I have been scrapping by with my checks and bills (panic attacks, anyone?). So at least with this I have already managed to obtain 49 hours for the first half of the pay period. This is a welcomed thing since doc has made us cut back on the hours. I am a slave to the hours.
Home: The landlord has been sprucing up the apartment next door to get ready to rent. He's asking a bit more money than what can be afforded in this area for it. I guess he thinks he's in his hometown where most residents have a higher income. Hell, I know he wishes he could raise my rent again, he's already raised it $100-which seriously messed up my budget for groceries and gas. It's stressful, I'm not going to lie. I know I can't afford to move right now and I probably wouldn't be able to find a safe place to with my credit while I'm on the dept cancellation program. That and my pets-most apartments don't want people with pets that's why there are so many abandoned pets in the shelters. The owners can't afford what ever payments they have and the more affordable places don't accept pets. That's just F**ked up. I have a serious problem with people that think that pets are nothing more than simple property and can easily be gotten rid of. It seriously pisses me off. I'm not going to go into the rant that I could easily fall into. I'll keep that to myself and save it for another time.
Anyhoooo. It's getting late and I have rambled long enough. I hope everyone has fun at fair and I really wish I would have been able to make it. You have no idea how much I wish I could have. It just gives me something to look forward too.
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