As the the world turns....or something like that.

Haven't updated my blog in a while, I've been pretty busy at work.  Hell, I usually am but my boss recently decided to lay off my coworker that works upfront with me and my other coworker during the day and then work in the back during clinic.  The boss claims that it was a financial decision.  I'm sure it was but not for the reasons others would suspect.  I won't get into it but it's been a freaking nightmare for me and my coworker in the front office trying to do our jobs and do my co-worker's job duties too.  I just "love" working 10 to 12 hour shifts a day.  Yeah.  "Love" it. I hope if you are reading this you are catching the sarcasm in the "love" statements.  If you aren't....then read it again but with sarcasm.  That's better!

Aside from that, I have gone back to being vegetarian.  I was a strict vegetarian for years but I fell off the wagon.  I was tempted by the grilled aroma of flesh...and it was good!    Dammit...why do they have to taste so delicious?!!  However, the guilt of how the poor little critters where treated and their miserable lives up until they are killed with out any kindness shown to them their entire lives....yeah, I can't support that.  I won't spend another dime to support that.  The animals have feelings and souls.  Just because they can't speak doesn't mean they are beneath those that can.  I am glad that I have gone back to being a vegetarian although I will not give up my dairy.  Sorry....can't doo eet.  I love it too much.  Oh and I do have fish every now and then...but I still feel guilty about it.  Heck, I've already lost some inches since I've stopped eating the meat.  Not surprised really since I was super skinny when I was sticking to the vegetarian diet last time.  It's a healthier choice for me (mentally and physically).

Now lets touch the topic of dreams.  Lately I have been having extremely vivid dreams with many featuring people that I know have passed on.  It's like they are just coming by to touch bases and visit while hanging out in my dreams and joining in what every odd shenanigans are going on in them.  There have even been a couple with me confronting a few people that needed confronting (names withheld because they are still living and I don't want to spoil the surprise when I do get to jack their asses up...or at least watch when Karma bites them in the ass.  And it will).

The dream I had last night/this morning was sort of odd.  I'm standing on a hill over looking hills covered with yellow and purple flowers and buildings/homes.  The best I can make of it is a mix up of the area I lived when I was 4 years old and where I am living now.  It was quite beautiful.  I remember just staring and watching while feeling the wind and the sun.  I remember there was someone there but I couldn't see them but they were talking to me.  A group of people and I had just completed some type of task and I walked away from the others to regroup and that's when I heard the voice of the invisible person.  It sounded like it could have been a woman.

It had something to do with "the man in my dreams".  The one that is always featured as my spouse or boyfriend (I've been dreaming about this mysterious man for decades).  He was missing in this dream and I hear the voice and it was right up against my ear saying, "He's here".  I woke right up and it was 7:00 am so there wasn't any reason to go back to sleep but that voice sounded like the person was literally standing on the side of the bed speaking into my ear.  It unnerved me a bit.  I'm not sure if that statement was literal or figurative....but it sticks with me.  It sticks with me much like all the other dreams of him.  I never see his actual face, just the hair and sometimes the eyes, sometimes the voice.  I'm inclined that this person has never been an actual human being but is just someone that populates my mind to torment me until I either become senile or just kick the bucket.

Seems kind of fitting actually, not having an actual fella but an dream one.  I already qualify for "the crazy cat/animal lady" moniker so this is probably a side effect of the title along with always being alone with out company.  I know some of my neighbors and most of my friends have to think this.  Never goes out, doesn't talk to anyone but just works and hangs with her pets.  I can see how that might disconcert some people.  I guess I just like hanging by myself and with my pets, they are pretty good company.  Everyone has families and significant others and to be honest...I hate being a third or fifth wheel in any circumstance so I just don't bother putting myself out there.  I guess this attitude is a family trait on my father's side so I just go with my nature.  Grandfather lived in the mountains with nature by himself and he was perfectly content as a hermit.  My dad pretty much the same thing.  The only difference between both of them and me (besides me being female, obviously) is that I have communication through the Internet and don't want to cut my self off absolutely.  Not yet anyway.  My mom was a freaking social butterfly, I can be one too if I feel like it...sometimes...okay, rarely.  But the mountains and trees always call to me!  They are always calling to me!

Heh!  This is my life and this is who I am.  Call me crazy if you like, that's fine because I'll probably agree with you ;-).

My silly Paco bird

My silly Paco bird a video by wendywllms on Flickr.

My silly guy during the summer time~

Goodbye

Yesterday started like most weekends with loose plans on what I wanted to do (and how they end up being).  Ended up helping a friend's mom who also happens to be my neighbor pack and move.  We were pretty busy and then we broke for lunch and I offered for everyone to eat at my place since there was more room and relatively clean....didn't get a chance to do chores yet at that time.

As we sat in my front room and dined on delicious deli sandwiches and talked, Paco and Squeak are chiming in and playing in their cages.  To appearances, Paco was perfectly fine.  He begged for what I was eating, he tried talking and chiming in when someone was speaking, and he interacted and was playing.  Everything seemed absolutely fine.  I had been watching him since he got some type of respiratory infection a few weeks back but I treated him for a week with Marvel-Aid and it cleared right up so I have been uber observant of Paco's behavior and droppings.  Yesterday, everything seemed normal in the morning and early afternoon.

In the late afternoon, I couldn't really help anymore because I had a few things I needed to attend to and I wasn't much use for what my friends were packing up in their mom's apartment.  I went home and started to tidy up the house and get ready to head to the store for animal foods.  As I sat in the front room to eat a bite before I headed out, I noticed it was quiet in Paco's cage.  I looked over to where there would normally be a begging bird to Paco sitting like he wasn't feeling well.  My first thought was "Oh no, not again".  But I watched him after I swapped out his water for medicine and I noticed his breathing was not the issue.  I could tell he was in pain and he got really unstable, his pupils became huge and he almost fell off his perch.  This scared him pretty bad so he ran to his "sleeping" perch and a second later he double times it to his bottom perch by me and starts violently throwing up.  In all the years I have been around birds, I have never seen this...ever.  It was pretty bad.  I didn't think birds could do that but I had a bad feeling that this was a precursor for something else.

It all happened relatively quickly.  I watched him struggle to stay focused.  I sat close to his cage and he would focus on me then he would focus on Squeak then he would try to stay balanced on his cage.  I battled with myself trying to decide if I should take him out of the cage and remove the perches or if there would be enough time and let him be comfortable until it was "time".

I didn't  leave his side and neither did Squeak.  I spoke to him and sang his favorite silly song that he would dance and get silly to.  Squeak couldn't decide whether he was afraid or not but he was trying very hard for Paco to talk to him and interact while Paco slipped lower and lower on the perch until he started dipping far forward.  I put an extra perch in front of him to help him stay where he was but a few minutes later he loss use of feet, so I took a soft towel and held him in my lap in front of Squeak's cage.

I could tell Paco was starting to get scared and with all my heart I wish I could have made it better for him, to comfort him and make him know it was going to be alright and over with soon.  Sadly I couldn't.  All I could do is watch my friend of 32 years slowly fading away with fear in his eyes.  Toward the end, I sang to him to help somehow.  As I sang the final verse to him he passed away in my arms and there he stayed for a while.  After I collected myself and let Squeak see that Paco was still and had gone, I spoke a prayer for him and his safety and then I wrapped him up and am holding on to his remains until I cremate him.

I have already moved Squeak to where Paco used to be.  Squeak likes the spot because he can see everything but I can tell he is still a bit unclear on what might have happened to his friend.  I soaked the cage and all the toys in boiling bleach water for sanitation and now that most of the stuff is dry I have put a few of Paco's favorite toys in Squeak's cage.  Squeak recognized them right away and I suppose either Squeak will start playing with them and maybe remembering his friend OR Paco's little spirit with hang out in Squeak's cage to play with his toys.  Either way it will be a good thing.

Next to seeing my little green friend passing, putting his cage away in the storage closet was pretty bad too.  I can't stand the idea of his little soul being confused and trying to figure out why he is in the closet with no  toys in the dark.  That really bothers me.  It's has bothered me about that with all my birds that have moved on when I have had to pack their cages away.

I understand that Paco has had a very long life and he is/was a lucky bird that he has always had me there for the most part to try to make his life as best I can.  Not all pets are that lucky and I understand that too.  It's hard and I have been expecting this more and more as the years have crept past the twenty mark since I wasn't sure how long I would have to spend with my friend, but I am thankful for all the time that was given, especially the few extra weeks after his illness last month.

I have given Paco a good life filled with as much love and happiness that I could provide.  His time has come and now I will available to help another bird that is in need of rescue and my help Perhaps not now however, it's still too fresh, but eventually when the time comes.  As a matter of fact, I believe this.  Animals in need always seem to find their way to me and I try to be there to give them the help and attention they require.  Of course the new rescue that eventually will find it's way to my home won't be the same as my Paco, but no animal is the same as the other (just like people) so I have no expectations.

So a chapter of my life and Paco's has closed.  We have been a part of each other's life for so many years but now it is time to part ways and I don't know if I will ever come across my little green friend again.  My heart is broken but I know it is how it's supposed to be and eventually I will go down that same road.  I don't think I will say "Good Bye" but "Farewell" until we hopefully meet again, my friend.  I will miss and love you and there will always be a place for you in my heart. You are my little green buzzard <3.

Here are some pictures of pets, some still here and some that are now gone to the rainbow bridge.

The end is really the beginning

So another year has come and gone with many trials and challenges to face for many of us.  I have managed to pass most of mine for this year and I suppose I will have more to face in the upcoming year because that's just how "life" is.  If we aren't challenged then we don't have a chance to learn and grow as people.  My personal challenge lasted several years and I suppose I am still adjusting to not having to deal with it directly (the debt payments and car payments) but that doesn't mean that my behavior hasn't been modified.  I will still adhere to the regimen  that I have adopted to make sure I can  make the ends meet each month.  With the price of everything climbing monthly and no sign of this trend changing, I am guessing I will be doing this for the rest of my life.  I suppose I am not the only one of my friends that will be practicing frugality with the way things have become as a life choice and not a trend.

This holiday season was the first year I was actually able to purchase a few gifts for my sister and her family. I used the money that would have been for the car payment and turned it towards them so no credit cards were involved :-).  I like that.  No credit cards were used in this season!!  Not that I would want to use those evil things.  Credit has it's uses but it shouldn't be a constant crutch to survive.  The point to this...I won't have to pay off any credit bills for presents.  Unfortunately, I was unable to make my home made cards or presents which I truly enjoy doing.  This is a disappointment to me because then I can give something homemade and hand crafted to people that I know.  I suppose I can make something for this month if time allows.  And there is the problem: time.  This is the reason why I was unable to make anything for everyone in the first place.  Work is just busy.  Of course, I would rather be busy at work and be able to pay my bills than not busy at work and have no way to pay my bills..,.so I'm not complaining about the "busy" just the "not being able to make something for everyone".  I suppose, in good time I will be able to make this up.  So expect something strange and random from me if you have received something from me before.  Perhaps this will be better than when something is expected.  Pleasant surprises are nice...most of the time!

My time this season was spent for the most part being sick for several weeks and only working a few weeks of Dickens Christmas Fair.  I had feelings of dread and not wanting to do the fair after I signed on, perhaps I knew that I would be a sick as a dog for several weeks.  Even after receiving a flu shot.  I feel bad for everyone at the shop having to cover for me but I'm glad they were able to manage.  Of course how it goes is that after fair, everyone that wasn't sick during the run gets deathly ill with the "plague".  I usually don't so I guess my luck ran out this last year!  Oh well, here is to us all being healthy this upcoming new year!!  I made up for my absence for tear down so I guess it sort of breaks even.

Oddly enough, the timing of this holiday season has enabled me to actually take time off from work.  When I say time off, I mean more than just two days but five glorious days.  When was the last time I have had an actual "vacation" you may ask?  Well, I looked and it was 2007.  Right around the time I started the debt settlement payments.  I would say this is a cycle that has completed!

I may have had Christmas Eve off but I spent it and the following Saturday by I ended up working it at the Cow Palace helping with the breaking down of the tea shop.  There seems like more things that need to be done when breaking something down than when building something up.  I tried keeping everything "organized" but honestly things got jumbled by others so I said to myself, "screw it" and gave up the illusion that it could be put away in such a manner as to ease the task next year.  It is what it is but with many hands to help it should go quickly.


I didn't really go anywhere for my stay-cation but stayed at home and enjoyed it completely!  The day after Christmas, I decided to brave the stores and try to head to Michael's to pick up the frosted fruit decorations I had been watching with interest for the Tea Shop's Christmas tree for next year.  I showed up to the store and it was picked bare.  When I say bare I mean bone dry bare.  There were a few decorations left but none that I was looking for.  It appears that I was not the only one watching the decorations with interest.  I failed in obtaining them but I was able to pick up a few presents for myself such as a sock loom and some fancy yarns to play with.  The yarn was displayed with other yarns on sale so I assumed that it was on sale.  You know what they say about assume?  It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".  So I get to the register with my yarn and sock loom trying to get my coupon to load on my phone.  I let the cashier know that it wasn't loading so she cut me a 50% off one item deal and the bill was still kind of high but I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  Did some other errands and got home to discover the store had stuffed $8.99 yarn (which I purchased) in with yarn that was marked on sale for $3.99.  I foolishly picked up the full priced yarn and bought two skeins.  A bit annoying but at least I got the loom for half price.  Win some loose some!  Doesn't really matter, I still like the yarn.

So I decided to do a project that would be quick, making a type of cowl scarf.  It was a bit tricky with the way the yarn is made so I had to look it up on Lion Brand's website but was able to get a nice cowl scarf made.  I also realized that this yarn would make a darling wreath with the right color OR a lion's mane for a Halloween costume for a child.  So many possibilities...so little time :-).


So to show you what I mean, let me show you the picture: I'm a lion...Rawr!


At least I was also able to get some house cleaning done at a leisurely pace while enjoying my time off as well as some relaxing cooking.  I was even able to knock out the holiday cookies and was able to deliver them.  This pleases me because then I am able to enjoy any of the failed cookies...yay!


Unfortunately, I was enjoying just "being" so I didn't get a chance to do any deep cleaning like I had originally planned but the tasks that I did do were enjoyable and relaxing.  I didn't get a chance to really visit with anyone except for the days at the Cow Palace for tear down and when going to my sister's to deliver the presents.  Honestly, I'm fine with that.  I am relaxed and I feel at peace-this is what is important.  My life has been "go! go! go!" and the break was "stop and listen!"  I am glad that I took this time off even though there is plenty I could have done at work to get ahead.  There are charts to purge, box and organize to be picked up.  There are forms to complete so the patients don't drive me crazy on how broke they are (although I can appreciate what they are telling me) and I can get caught up on filing and scanning.  My tasks are huge and never ending...but I am glad I paused and took a break.  I will play catch up best I can when I return January 2nd.

All the holiday decorations are put away and the house is clean and sadly naked now.  I enjoyed the gift from Ann (the home made marshmallows and cocoa which were delicious) while packing while watching/listening to the latest Sherlock Holmes Blue Ray while packing away the holiday decorations. The only thing that I didn't have the heart to pack away was the mirrored disco ball decorations.  So, I decided to place them about the house for extra sparkle and to scare evil spirits away (the quirky superstitious side of me) in the windows.  I felt compelled to do it but I do like the way they look.  I even put the little ones in the ficus tree all over on the branches.  I am looking forward to how they all sparkle when the light hits them through out the year since the window facing the the tree is in faces the sun as it sets most of the year.  With all that is completed today, this makes for a perfect ending to a perfect day of a perfect week!

And as 2012 has passed and I welcome 2013 and it's new challenges May this new year bring all of us many good memories to reflect back on and may all our hearts and hearths be filled with love, light, laughter, friendship and bounty this upcoming year.  Bless us all and Happy New Year!