I will not go into details about her passing, just know that it was painful to watch and I feel that I failed her. I should have done more but I didn't because of financial constraints. It's killing me thinking about it, and I do often enough to punish myself. I love her and I miss her terribly.
She passed away by my desk chair. I can look down and see where she last laid. I remember those last few days, they haunt me. I suppose they haunt my other two cats as well because they both refuse to come into the front room without me being in it.
I get up in the morning and they are both in the room with me. I go into the kitchen and they both follow me. I go in the bathroom...well you get the picture. If I stand in the hall, the cats will sit in the front room doorway and just look in toward the spot where Caddy last laid.
I'm not sure if it's because they remember her there or they see her spirit sitting in her last spot. I don't mind if her spirit is still here but I do not like the idea that she might be stuck in the last moments of her life. They were painful, even with the pain medication that I gave her. I know many may say "there aren't spirits" or "She's gone, don't worry about it." Well, I have seen my sweet girl since her passing. Her last days she spent most of her quiet time behind the couch sleeping so the boy cat wouldn't pester her. I have seen her walk out from back behind and look at me before walking down the hall. I have seen her walking from the kitchen food dishes. Her figure dissipates after a few steps but I see her. I suppose it's completely possible that I have gone bonkers due to grief and I'm imagining it in order to cope with the loss but I have seen spirits before, be they animal, people or "something humanoid" (that being a completely different story).
I know after the cat I used to feed named Grampa Kitty passed, we buried him in the back of the apartment. About two months later, I thought my cat Gordo was sitting next to my desk chair waiting to be scratched. I reached back and there wasn't anything. This had happened numerous times since then as well as seeing a cat running down the apartment building corridor as I'm coming up the stairs. The cat looks like Grampa each time I have seen it. Just like after my cat Rubert passed, I saw him sitting in his favorite spot and jump down, my other cats saw it too. It was funny to see Caddy and Skunky look at where they saw Rubert jump down (we all heard him land too) and then look at me like I did it. Rubert was such a good boy :-).
So it is safe to say that I do believe in animal's spirits. I also believe in residual haunting where things are imprinted in the area where one can witness or hear things from the past replayed. With as many times as she went to the food dish-that would be a residual haunting by itself. She was also very fond of anything with water-the sink, shower, glasses filled with fluids. Her particular favorite liquid besides water was red wine. I had to be careful to set the glass down someplace and walk away. She was very sneaky when she wanted something and knew she wasn't supposed to have it.
It was a ritual with her. In the evenings, I would come home and make dinner and pour myself a glass of wine. Caddy would be right there at my feet crying for a taste. I of course would let her have a couple tastes and then go into the front room where she would sit at my feet and wait for more tastes. I never realized just how much my behavior was linked with hers. A few days after she passed, I came home and made my dinner and poured my wine. I then promptly turned around and leaned down to give her a tastes. It absolutely broke my heart. I still want to reach down and give her tastes of things, but she isn't there. There is that big void where my sweet girl Caddy was. If her little spirit is here, she is probably trying to figure out why she can't eat and why I'm not giving her attention and tastes of goodies. That thought breaks my heart some more.
Her not being here has also changed the dynamics with the other two cats. Besides neither of them wanting to come into the front room unless I'm here-they don't play anymore. My boy cat, Benji is already over weight, now he is getting chubbier because he has no one to play with and pester. Gordo was a year younger than Caddy and they had the same mother-she is acting more needy. She was never buddy-buddy with Caddy but they were always in the same room together. Maybe that was their version of buddy-buddy. Now the Benji and Gordo are always together, which never happened before. This worries me for the fact that if something were to happen to one, the other would be even more lonely. I have been considering getting another younger cat for Benji to play with and mix things up a bit. Caddy was always playing, always playful, always curious and willing to check anything out. There isn't any of that in the home and it feels empty now. I think I will wait on that though to see how the two remaining beasts are after a little while longer.
