The Yule Blog

It's been quite some time since I have had time to sit down and seriously do any type of writing...or anything else for that matter.  Sometimes life just swallows you up.  This has been one of those times.  I guess I should be glad about it, many complain about having noting to do...so....yeah.  Not complaining...really.  Well, maybe a little.  It has been taking away from other areas of my life and interests like...the outdoors, art, music...writing, cooking, keeping in touch with friends in person (not Facebook ...doing stuff.  I think you can get the picture: I've been busy.

I'm trying to be philosophical about the current cycle: It's just a cycle and like all cycles, it will end heralding another different cycle that I will find something to complain about.  Well, at least there will be something constant about it ;-).

On to other things~  I missed most of Dickens fair this year and have been reminded of a valuable lesson: Be careful what you wish for!  I had misgivings about working it after I signed on...and then I got sick not one weekend but three.  Super.  Haven't been sick in years.  So there we have it.  I missed all the people that I normally see at fair that I rarely get to see.  I missed seeing any shows or doing any shopping that I wanted to do while at Dickens.  I'm a bit irritated about that.  I was hoping to trade in my corset for a newer bigger one and have a blown glass goblet fashioned for me plus pick up some gifts for friends and family.
This has been blown to bits and now I have to wait until next year.  That is if I'm still around-remember, nothing in life is guaranteed....except the unexpected and death.  A bit dark you say for a Christmas blog?  Well, that is how life is so get used to it.

Well, besides being sick, the flu medicine helped give me some crazy dreams.  Normally I would have my typical "fight the alien invader" dreams filled with action and adventure but those haven't really been happening as of late.  I have had more flying dreams.  Two notable ones were one with me as a giant dark blue gargoyle.  I was so happy flying around in the night sky with the Nigh Crawler from the X-men.  Strange but wonderful dream.  The next dream took place during the day and I was with a group that were the same as me.  We were all like owls but we were all covered in feathers and what looked like golden porcupine quills.  I can't explain it except that in both dreams, I was some type of guardian and I belonged to a greater group.  The last dream happened right before I woke up for work and wasn't a flying dream but of me with a man and I couldn't tell for sure if he was the same man I always see but he may have been.  We were facing each other and were having a very serious conversation when he thrust his hand into my chest and pulled out my heart.  He held it in his hand in front of me and then repeated the process on himself.  He stuffed his heart where my heart was and then placed my heart in where his was. As he did this he said, "There, now my heart belongs to you". At that time I was speechless but when I woke up my first thought on the dream was, "As mine is yours."  It makes me sad to think about.  The flying dreams are so much happier.  Damn cold medicine.

As for my Anxiety~  Well, it comes and goes.  Things trigger it it, mostly driving home after work.  I have no idea why driving would trigger it but it does.  It's really annoying but fortunately it's nothing like it was last year so I am happy to deal with this instead of how it used to be.  I am currently lowering my SJW to just one capsule a day and seeing how that goes.  I hate having to take something every stinking day but if I do, I would prefer it be as small as possible.

On to crafty things!~ My time to make knitted hats for the homeless people around my work have been seriously limited.  I have only been able to make two and I gave one to a friend to donate to a church and I gave the other to a man I see on the corner pretty frequently.  He seemed happy about getting the hat, I hope it serves him well for what ever purpose he has for it.  I really would like to make some more and donate them or hand them out.  It bothers me that I can't get more out sooner but there is only so much time available so I have to be realistic about what I would like to do.  I'm still going to push my self, however.  This needs to be done.  What else needs to be finished is the throw blanket I'm working on for a friend for Christmas.  Obviously, if I'm writing about it...I haven't finished it yet.  Words cannot express how irritated I am that I was unable to complete this project.  I will have to snap a picture and include it in a card with a promise of more to come!

More crafty tings!~ Besides knitting projects I also didn't get a chance to do my home made cards.  This also bothers me.  I was looking forward to making them but I just haven't had the time or artistic inspiration of photographs to complete them.  Argh!!  So annoying.  The one thing I have had headway in was my Shrinky-Dink ornament project.  I was able to complete several "Tea Shop" themed ornaments for a few of the people at the Tea Shop but I haven't been able to work on the other items I want to make.  Again with the Annoying!!



My Facial Experiment.....Yeah, I got tired of following that regime for the most part.  There was improvement when I was following it up to a point but that point was cataloged so that's pretty much it.  I do use my Clarisonic, facial exercise and use Philosophy on a daily basis so I haven't stopped everything, just the light-stim.  I will use it when I have a little more leisure time or a bad break out ;-).

On to today~  I woke up to a Christmas and for the first time in my life, I did not have a present under the tree to open.  I wasn't sad about this but philosophical.  What does this mean?  Perhaps my gift this year is not something that one can touch but simply the knowledge that one has accomplished.  I have all that I need, so I don't need anymore "things".  My place is small and packed, "things" is not something I want.  What I had wanted during the year was simply paying off debt and having enough to live a simple life.  This I have accomplished this year after seven years of struggling.  That is my gift.  It's something that can't be wrapped under a tree but it is a gift to be given to one's self and appreciated.  I am thankful for this.  I am thankful that I have succeeded with  this goal and the necessities necessary to live.  All I wanted was a simple life with enough to live comfortably and I am there.  I never asked for more than I needed nor have I wanted it.  Seriously, I can't imagine needing anything more for myself.  I can only think of a few small things that aren't in my life, but these are things that I exclude from my life on purpose and for the better.

As a closing I will wish that everyone's Christmas has been everything they have hoped for or ever wanted.  I hope their hearts and hearths are filled with laughter and love. I wish you all the best of the holidays and I hope  it continues for us all.  Remember, life is funny and unexpected so be careful what you wish for because you just might get it :-).

 

Dream blog

This last week has been filled with unusual dreams.  Some are my usual "fighting invading space aliens adventure" dreams but there have been a few that are a bit different.  Last Monday, I had a dream that started out normal and then switched to me separating from the people I was with.  I wandered into a meadow and paused.  The sky was beautiful filled with violets and golds, the sun had just past the horizon and the stars were starting to pop out.  The meadow was surrounded by pine and I heard crickets starting to call to one another.  I stood there for a moment to take it all in and then I looked up into the sky and felt a wave of sadness and loneliness and asked out loud, "Where are you?"  In my dream I was asking where my "significant other" was.  Who ever that would be.  I would guess that it would be the man that I have seen in my dreams over the years.  It was a really melancholy moment and then something drew me out of the dream and I started waking up.  Normally I sleep with a long knitted cap pulled over my eyes to keep my head warm and the light out of my eyes but the cap had ridden up a bit and I could see the side of my bed.  I saw a dark but transparent figure leaning against the window with his arms folded across his chest looking down at me.  As I started to realize what I was seeing and stirring a bit more, he sort of "dissipated".  He looked like a smoke statue being blown away from the head down and the smoke was blown out of my bedroom door.  I laid there for a minute to process what I just saw and then I got up to make myself some coffee, obviously I needed it.  That dream, like a few others, has stuck with me.

My dream this morning was a bit different.  It started of with the regular random strangers wandering around in some shopping plaza then I noticed that there were orange fishes that were hopping out of a pool and they were started to spawn and create fry.  My first thought was that I had better get to work.  I head straight to a pet store and I notice that the huge orange fish are doing the same thing there too.  I walk to the back and I see my son sitting waiting for me by the bird cages which is near the fish tanks.  He says "Hi mom" I say hello back and apologize for keeping him waiting while I started working on the fish tanks to prepare to clean up the eggs and fry the fish were creating.  I see a bunch of noisy annoying shoppers teasing the birds and it starts to irritate me, my son notices too but I keep to what I was doing.  I start talking to him about the different types of birds and their habitats and ask if he would like me to lift him so he can see them better.  He gets embarrassed and indignant for a 9 year old and states he can do it himself.  So I pull a stool for him so he can get a better look while I work.  Then my boss in the dream comes out and then I start waking up.

Keep in mind, I don't have children and I am not able to have children because something goes wrong and I miscarry.  So I suppose that this would be the child I should have had but never did in my dream and my job would be the job I should have had but didn't.  Ah but life isn't like that, is it?  I do remember what my son looks like though.  Cute little guy with very similar features as mine but with a bit darker coloring.  His eyes were a bit more hazel than mine and his nose is a little different, I suppose these features are more like the father (who ever that would be in my dream).  His hair is a dark golden  blonde and he's wearing a stripped long sleeve shirt with multi-colors and a dark vest.  He has blue jeans and hiking boots to round off the outfit pairing it with a toy train or truck, I couldn't tell but the toy was blue with yellow wheels.  I could tell he would grow up to be handsome and have a much larger frame than my own (thank goodness).  I knew he would favor his father in that respect.  These are the things I knew in my dream and I am glad that I can remember them still but I wanted to get it down before it starts to fade.  The dream comforted me strangely, I guess it's nice to know that maybe in an alternate universe or dream world I can have those things that I had always wanted in the first place. It's becoming to late to have any family of my own, age wise and for other reasons already mentioned, it simply was not meant to be for me.  It's nice to know that some version of me was able to and I am here in this reality so I had better make the best of it the best that I can.  Who knows what tomorrows dreams will bring for me?

Facial Experiment continues~

I think another good name for this little blog would be "The Win some Lose some blog".  I skipped last week posting partially because I didn't feel like it and because I wanted to see any real difference.  I have noticed some improvements, although subtle in some ways and more obvious in others.  I have noticed also that there are some drawbacks that are becoming more apparent.
I have been basically consistent with the skin care, using the Clarisonic every night.  I love that thing, it really has done wonders with my skin.  The pores have gotten noticeably smaller.  They aren't invisible, but the appearance is improved.  I have done the facial exercises every morning and evening and I think it shows.  I have started alternating use of the Lite-stim to every other night.  I think it has helped as well, but I don't think it has been a big contributor in my attempt to improve appearance.

This picture is from last Saturday 7/28th when compared to the very first one taken in June.  The pictures, at least seem to match in positions.  Not as good as I would like but it could be so much worse.  There are some improvements that have been achieved over these last few weeks.  The skin looks healthier, the face itself looks more firm and is and the eyes look better.  My neck is also a little bigger from the exercises that I have been doing.  So that's the good stuff.

 The bad stuff is that since I have been working on trying to drop a few pounds in the hope of improving the "jowly" area on my jawline, I have actually seemed to have made it more noticeable to a certain degree.  Sure, I managed to bring the jowls down on my face but it is drawing attention to that loose skin that attaches my lower jaw and neck.  I have always had extra skin there and it has always bugged me.  Getting older....it is really bugging me.  I don't think the car accident I was in years ago helped it either because after the accident the skin hanging was more pronounced on one side vs the other.  It's my fault that I didn't go to the doctor right away to get it corrected.  I have no one to blame but myself for that so I just have to deal with it now.  I am thinking that

maybe the exercises might help a little bit more but I am still thinking that a neck lift is the only real solution to get rid of it.
The picture featured right here was taken today (Saturday 8/5).  The "pose" doesn't match but I think the idea is there.  The face doesn't seem so...blah and saggy as the original one.  The skin seems better except the neck.  Besides the less than occasional blemish, I have to say for the most part I am pleased with what I have done (except for the gross neck skin).  With the few pounds I have lost and facial exercises, the skin on the neck just isn't bouncing back like one would hope.  Everything else is going to plan, however.  Goodness knows I have stood in the mirror and did the "face lift" test.  All I have to do is put one index finger on each side of my lower jaw and "Poof!" the saggy neck skin AND the remaining jowls disappear!  So with that being said, I will try a bit longer to see if any improvement can be had in my real problem area and I will hope for the best but I know what the alternative will be if I can't make any headway.
I admit it, I will get cosmetic surgery.  I will get the neck lift if I can't fix it myself.  It's something that as I have mentioned before, always bothered me so there is no shame in admitting it.  At least there isn't to me.  Maybe this stupid blog project I'm doing will actually encourage someone to try some of the stuff I have been doing if they have "problem" areas in spots where I had improvement because they don't want to have to have surgery.  I would say, "Great!"  Good for them for trying!  But before we all get excited about this all, I still have one more month to go before I determine what is really going to succeed.  Who knows, maybe the facial exercises will finally get the loose skin to start tightening up and I can hold off on the inevitable surgery a bit longer!

Week Two of the "Facial Experiment"

So as promised, here is my update on the experiment to get my face to look better.  It's been a little over two weeks, 17 days to be exact and I have stuck to the routine religiously.  I have gotten into the routine but I have noticed that it does take up a lot of time on the nights I work late and sort of creeps into my "go to bed" time.  Unfortunately I have fallen asleep while using the light-stim on occasion.  I of course wake up a bit later and finish what I started but I find that a bit annoying.  The light it's self doesn't get hot enough to do any damage to any material or burn me by accident when I doze off but I just need to remember the whole treatment takes about 40-45 minutes.  The light however is quite comforting and relaxing while I watch television so maybe I should consider sitting at my desk which is purposefully not as comfortable so I don't sit at it for too long. I think I will try it tonight.
On to the photos~

Here are the usual "mug shots" the one with the red shirt being the photo taken on June 28th and the green shirt being taken today, July 15th.  Again I am taking pictures in the most unflattering light to show the the areas that I am aiming to improve.  I don't really see any real change with the jawline in the portrait photos but I do note that the skin looks better and my mouth besides not being symmetrical, is starting to "lift" in the corners of the mouth.  I believe that is the product of the facial exercised that I have been doing twice a day.  They are also helping around the eye area where there is less puffiness.  Or at least that is how it looks to me and I would like to think.  I suppose by the end of four months, I will be able to tell for certain.

I think the profile pictures illustrate the jawline and jowls pretty well.  With the stark lighting they both show that there is some improvement.  It's small, but it's there and that is what I am aiming for!

I can see some improvement when comparing the older with the newest one.  I haven't changed my diet at all, although I feel confident that if I lost the ten to fifteen pounds my jowly cheeks would probably go away or at least shrink up enough not to bother me every time I see myself.

I tried to remember the time of morning that I had taken the original photo but I am thinking that it may have been overcast with the first picture so the light will be different.  This time I also took a comparison with last week and this week.

The picture of last week and this week show some mild difference.  It's like the jawline and neck are changing a bit.  I find that promising and look forward to see how it progresses in the coming weeks.


I threw this picture with the three different angles in to illustrate things that I am noticing.  Besides the jawline improving, the texture of my skin on my neck is improving.  Last month, the skin was a tad...crepe-like in some spots.  I am thinking with the combination of the light-stim, Clarisonic and exercises that it is improving the skin.  My face feels more firm, that is for certain.  These types of things one can't really photograph but certainly observe and I am seeing improvement in the size of my pores.  Not a huge improvement but my skin does look much better.  I am also noticing that there is definition on my jaw which is illustrated with the third photo.  I haven't had that "indent" or definition in years and quite frankly I am pretty pleased that I am getting it back.  With regaining that definition but still having a slight jowl, I am thinking that weight loss should also become a priority to obtaining optimal results.  AND I could stand to loose it as mentioned before.

So this concludes this weeks observations. This may take a while but I am seeing that the reward will outweigh the work. Hopefully, what I am doing may help someone else that is experiencing similar skin issues and help them decide which treatment may help them.  

Focusing elsewhere~health and appearances

I've made my final payment to the credit consolidation company.  From the moment the payments post at the end of this month, I will be finished with the crazy payments.  I might actually be able to take a Saturday off and do something that might cost a few bucks, like...treat myself to lunch or dinner, treat a couple friends since they have been treating me, go to the movies again, go out and do stuff!  Heck, all sorts of possibilities.  I am realistic about everything though.  Just because I am done with the ridiculous payments I still have another card I would like to pay down.  I still have lots of up keep on my car!  I have to pay off my car!!  That takes money-so I will be working some extra days for sure but at least it won't be a matter of life and death for me.  I have been working on feeling better, I've got my mental health in order and feel pretty good there.  It feels good to be in a balanced mental place again.  The stress and worry was going to do me in but I don't have to be quite so focused on the finances.
Now that I can turn my focus elsewhere, I noticed that the stress over that last several years have taken a serious toll on my appearance.  When this whole credit thing started, I was 37 years old but looked okay.  It's been seven years and I feel I don't look okay.  I look haggard and over weight.  So I have been working out regularly and changing my eating habits.  I am removing the stress of the payments, that will help tons!  But what I really needed was to make my face look better.
So I started a regime to get things in better condition for my face and skin tone.  I know it won't be a fountain of youth and I will never get the time back that I lost but I can at least feel better about myself and my appearance!  I also realize that eventually, I may just fork out money for a neck lift-truthfully my neck has always bothered me, even in high school and it was even worse after my car accident.  However, I would like to give it a go with the facial exercises and skin treatments first.  If there is a non-surgical solution, I am all for it!

So I will be blogging to track my progress for the next few months to see if there is any real noticeable progress.  The idea came to me when I was looking for items that would help bring my skin back to better condition.  It was the "before & after" pictures that really got me.  I could see clearly that the "after" pictures where always of slightly different angles, lighting and expressions than to the "before" photos.  I decided I would take the most unflattering pictures I could muster all the time and keep track of any hopeful progress that way.  So look at your own risk.  You have been warned.  


I've tried to keep the pictures consistent, and I suppose after a few weeks I will get a routine. The lighting is going to be tricky too but I will try my best for consistent photos.
  The first picture (Red shirt) was taken first day and June 28th.  The second series was taken today on July 7th.  You can see a very slight change which is something compared to nothing.  My skin is much more clear and firm with the fine lines almost gone, however I still have the deeper smile lines and the gross skin on my neck.  I will especially keep track of these for the next four months to see the results.  I think this will be a fun experiment :-).

Now to the Facial Experiment~
The stuff I decided to use on my face and neck are: Philosophy skin care (love this stuff!), Clarisonic system, Lightstim and Facial Flex.

*First thing I do in the morning and at night before I wash my face is do facial exercises.  I use the Facialflex for two or more minutes combining it with some other facial exercise.  I don't know why I do it first but it feels better when the skin is moisturized before doing the facial routine.  Then I can clean it properly.



*Now I have been using Philosophy products for years and I have always been a huge fan.  Their products are wonderful!  I highly recommend them and they help address all age related skin care needs.

*Unfortunately, I needed a bit more so I also enlisted the use of the Clarisonic.
I have read the opinions that are on both sides of the fence in regards to this hand held cleanser.  Some say it's fine to use each time you clean your face/skin and others say NO!  It will damage the skin so you should only use it at the most once a day.  I decided to take the middle route taking both sides into account and just use it at night before I use the lightstim machine.  I love the way the Clarisonic makes my skin feel.  It has definitely helped with the appearance of my skin and with some of the clogged pores.  That alone is worth the price of admission!  I've always had larger pores so I don't expect them to shrink up and give me porcelain skin-I'm keeping realistic expectations.  I just want healthy glowing
skin!

*The Lightstim is FDA approved in promoting the production of collagen in the skin.  It's a slow going process and will take months and has to be done religiously.  So this is what I do every evening.  Wash my face with the Philosophy(Purity made Simple) using my Clarisonic and with my skin uber clean-use the Lightstim for three minutes in the each of the areas that I want to promote the growth of collagen.  I watch television, decompressing while using it.  It's pretty relaxing and warm.  And when I'm finished it put on more Philosophy (When hope is not Enough) collection.

Now if I could just lose that 15 to 20 pounds-that would probably help a bunch as well!!

wendywllms' photostream

wendywllms' photostream on Flickr.

The veil is lifting...

It has been very hard these last several years working through the debt settlement.  I have devoted all of my time in putting effort into making sure I made enough money to be able to afford the payment AND be able to pay my bills.  It has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination but now I am at my final month of payments and I feel good about it.

I have put aside other interests and wants in my life, making that sacrifice so that I may ultimately succeed.  There has been much that I have had to let go and pass on.  I have denied myself many things and now that I may not have to do that anymore, with in reason of course, I am feeling as if a great weight is being lifted from my chest.  It's as if a veil is being lifted from my eyes and now I can see my future and it holds promise. I am excited about the possibilities.  I'm realistic about it but I will let my imagination run wild now since it hasn't really had any exercise for years and quite frankly, it's a bit out of shape!

This whole experience for me has been extremely difficult.  It seemed this had come to me right after several other changing events, one right after the other, and it took it's toll on my mental health and attitude.  It's hard to stay positive when you are trying to stay afloat but feel as if you are sinking into darkness from the weight of the entire situation.  I admit that I had a few episodes of depression and anxiety, which really should not be a huge surprise but I have managed to fight my way out of both episodes and keep a good outlook with the help of St. John's Wort.  It's clear to me that I have to and I'm fine with it.  If it keeps me from having an anxiety attack (they suck, by the way) then that is exactly what I will do!

When I was able to get my mental and emotional self in check, I started working on my physical self.  My denying myself anything that may cost me money had turned to a sort of apathy towards everything.  That apathy also went to my physical appearance and health.  From a fit size 10 to a curvy size 14/16.  I must say it's been a beast trying to get this extra weight off.  People may not notice that I am carrying more weight than I should because of my height, but it's my frame that disagrees with it.  I have a tall but petite frame and should be lighter.  I've always weighed heavier so I measure this by my measurements instead.  My weight goal is to be around 165 to 170ish, so it's about 15 to 20lbs I need to loose.  I've done it before and I know I can do it again....it just might take a little longer this time.

I've been alternating between weight training and aerobics for six days a week for months.  The exercise also keeps me from having another frozen shoulder (adhesive capsulitis) episode, which is pretty painful and restricting in case you didn't know.  I had injured it last year carrying too much on one side and the scar tissue built up effectively "freezing" my shoulder.  It hurt like sin and put a big set back on my fitness and weight loss plan.  Eventually, working slowly but surely (and suffering through the pain) I was able to get most of my range of motion back and full use.  It hurts sometimes but it's nothing compared what if felt like prior to me working through it.  It's what I chalk up to as an accomplishment and I actually feel pretty good about it.

With these two accomplishments behind me, I feel positive.  I feel happy.  I haven't felt this good in years.  As a matter of fact, not since 2004 or 2005.  It's been a very long time.  I don't want to loose it again and I will do what I can to maintain it.  I choose happiness and positivity, thank you very much.  My goals are attainable and I know with perseverance I will succeed.  My life is opening back up and that means I can start to open up too.  I can't hide from it forever, no one can.  It's time to move forward and see what the future holds for me now.  I don't ever want to go back to that dark place again.  It is behind me and it can stay there.

I have much more to say, but I think I will stop here and save it for later.  Know this~ The change has started, the veil has lifted and I am free.