Dream blog

This last week has been filled with unusual dreams.  Some are my usual "fighting invading space aliens adventure" dreams but there have been a few that are a bit different.  Last Monday, I had a dream that started out normal and then switched to me separating from the people I was with.  I wandered into a meadow and paused.  The sky was beautiful filled with violets and golds, the sun had just past the horizon and the stars were starting to pop out.  The meadow was surrounded by pine and I heard crickets starting to call to one another.  I stood there for a moment to take it all in and then I looked up into the sky and felt a wave of sadness and loneliness and asked out loud, "Where are you?"  In my dream I was asking where my "significant other" was.  Who ever that would be.  I would guess that it would be the man that I have seen in my dreams over the years.  It was a really melancholy moment and then something drew me out of the dream and I started waking up.  Normally I sleep with a long knitted cap pulled over my eyes to keep my head warm and the light out of my eyes but the cap had ridden up a bit and I could see the side of my bed.  I saw a dark but transparent figure leaning against the window with his arms folded across his chest looking down at me.  As I started to realize what I was seeing and stirring a bit more, he sort of "dissipated".  He looked like a smoke statue being blown away from the head down and the smoke was blown out of my bedroom door.  I laid there for a minute to process what I just saw and then I got up to make myself some coffee, obviously I needed it.  That dream, like a few others, has stuck with me.

My dream this morning was a bit different.  It started of with the regular random strangers wandering around in some shopping plaza then I noticed that there were orange fishes that were hopping out of a pool and they were started to spawn and create fry.  My first thought was that I had better get to work.  I head straight to a pet store and I notice that the huge orange fish are doing the same thing there too.  I walk to the back and I see my son sitting waiting for me by the bird cages which is near the fish tanks.  He says "Hi mom" I say hello back and apologize for keeping him waiting while I started working on the fish tanks to prepare to clean up the eggs and fry the fish were creating.  I see a bunch of noisy annoying shoppers teasing the birds and it starts to irritate me, my son notices too but I keep to what I was doing.  I start talking to him about the different types of birds and their habitats and ask if he would like me to lift him so he can see them better.  He gets embarrassed and indignant for a 9 year old and states he can do it himself.  So I pull a stool for him so he can get a better look while I work.  Then my boss in the dream comes out and then I start waking up.

Keep in mind, I don't have children and I am not able to have children because something goes wrong and I miscarry.  So I suppose that this would be the child I should have had but never did in my dream and my job would be the job I should have had but didn't.  Ah but life isn't like that, is it?  I do remember what my son looks like though.  Cute little guy with very similar features as mine but with a bit darker coloring.  His eyes were a bit more hazel than mine and his nose is a little different, I suppose these features are more like the father (who ever that would be in my dream).  His hair is a dark golden  blonde and he's wearing a stripped long sleeve shirt with multi-colors and a dark vest.  He has blue jeans and hiking boots to round off the outfit pairing it with a toy train or truck, I couldn't tell but the toy was blue with yellow wheels.  I could tell he would grow up to be handsome and have a much larger frame than my own (thank goodness).  I knew he would favor his father in that respect.  These are the things I knew in my dream and I am glad that I can remember them still but I wanted to get it down before it starts to fade.  The dream comforted me strangely, I guess it's nice to know that maybe in an alternate universe or dream world I can have those things that I had always wanted in the first place. It's becoming to late to have any family of my own, age wise and for other reasons already mentioned, it simply was not meant to be for me.  It's nice to know that some version of me was able to and I am here in this reality so I had better make the best of it the best that I can.  Who knows what tomorrows dreams will bring for me?

Just a blog...blog

Well, the season is almost over and I have been very busy up until this past weekend.  I worked most of Dickens and it was great to be there.  There is something about being there that makes the holidays a bit more special as they were when I was young.  As I have mentioned before, it's the smell of the roasted nuts and foods, the sounds and songs and it's certainly all the decorations.  It's truly magical.  It must really be something to a small child seeing all the sights and sounds in young fresh eyes that have yet to be jaded by the consumerism that plagues us today.  Even though the fair has a ton of vendors all selling their wares-it just doesn't come off as a commercial endeavor-it still seems pure.  That is a good thing.  I am pleased to say that I was a part of it again, even if it was a unimportant small part. 

I know that working Dickens always makes me want to decorate my house.  This year is not different except I have put up more decorations than last year.  I hung up more garland and used the extra glass ornaments that have been stuffed in the storage closet for years.  I have not used most of these decorations since I lived in the cottage in Richmond.  It looks pretty festive right now but the decorations will be coming down soon enough.  When New Years Day comes, I will spend my day off taking it all down and putting it away.  It's part of my holiday tradition that has been done for decades.  I like keeping to the traditions, well the good ones anyway!  Another tradition that I have been practicing for years (well, at least since the movies came out) is watching The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  Guess what's on right now?  For the last couple years I have wavered from my traditions, watching this set of movies is one of them.  There are so many levels of the movie that seem to fit for this time of year and season.  The dark vs the light.  Good and evil.  The strong, noble and true against the wrong, ignoble and untrustworthy.  Sacrifice, honor and friendship.  Virtues that seem to be lacking more and more in this current world.  The movies remind me of all the positive things that can be accomplished, even if it is simply a story-it is still a reminder of the things that are important to me. 

The Winter Solstice has meaning for me as well.  Besides it being the shortest day of the year and the beginning of Winter, it is a time to slow down and take stock of things in my life.  A time for introspection and analysis as well as remembering the important things.  My life has been disrupted for far too long and I have nearly lost myself.  This season I have renewed the things that are important to me and do my best to practice them.  As I have done for years, I gave myself a reading on the Winter Solstice to assess my current life, status and environment.  

The first reading puzzled me some because it wavered on a good reading and bad reading and I wasn't entirely sure if this is regarding simply me or if it is focused on a friend or many friends.  I decided to do a clarification reading doing the Celtic Cross vs my usual five card reading.  It ended up being financially based as well.  I guess whether the reading is specific to me or to anyone else-the bottom line is that I must work harder, stay focused, trust in my friends and accept that despite all the bad that has happened, good will still come.  I shouldn't feel like I am cast aside and remember that there are those around me that feel the same exact way, going through similar if not the same exact things and that we are all in this together.  Since the reading is financial based, I also am keeping in mind that since the Doc is going to be out this upcoming week, I need to pay careful attention to my hours and make sure I get enough in to cover my bills in the next period and also catch up on all the loose ended projects going on at work.  To be honest, I am actually looking forward to a week without any clinic and simply phones and paper work.  The interruptions will be at a minimum and I might be able to get multiple things completed.  This makes me happy....it's the little things.  

As the year winds down, I do want to tie up loose ends.  Internal and external loose ends.  I need to get back the point in my life where I felt centered and "complete" for a lack of a better description.  I need to find a more satisfying place in my life-right now I am not there.  My life feels like I'm running in place on a tread wheel.  I feel like an Olympic champion in the exercise of futility.  I would really like to be able to move forward out of the state I am in.  I know it's close but still so far away.  Part of that problem comes from within me.  Part of the problem is external and almost complete.  Seven months approximately until completion and then I should be a bit more free....until the next thing happens.  Hopefully I will be prepared this next time it happens.  I am looking forward to that time!