The veil is lifting...

It has been very hard these last several years working through the debt settlement.  I have devoted all of my time in putting effort into making sure I made enough money to be able to afford the payment AND be able to pay my bills.  It has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination but now I am at my final month of payments and I feel good about it.

I have put aside other interests and wants in my life, making that sacrifice so that I may ultimately succeed.  There has been much that I have had to let go and pass on.  I have denied myself many things and now that I may not have to do that anymore, with in reason of course, I am feeling as if a great weight is being lifted from my chest.  It's as if a veil is being lifted from my eyes and now I can see my future and it holds promise. I am excited about the possibilities.  I'm realistic about it but I will let my imagination run wild now since it hasn't really had any exercise for years and quite frankly, it's a bit out of shape!

This whole experience for me has been extremely difficult.  It seemed this had come to me right after several other changing events, one right after the other, and it took it's toll on my mental health and attitude.  It's hard to stay positive when you are trying to stay afloat but feel as if you are sinking into darkness from the weight of the entire situation.  I admit that I had a few episodes of depression and anxiety, which really should not be a huge surprise but I have managed to fight my way out of both episodes and keep a good outlook with the help of St. John's Wort.  It's clear to me that I have to and I'm fine with it.  If it keeps me from having an anxiety attack (they suck, by the way) then that is exactly what I will do!

When I was able to get my mental and emotional self in check, I started working on my physical self.  My denying myself anything that may cost me money had turned to a sort of apathy towards everything.  That apathy also went to my physical appearance and health.  From a fit size 10 to a curvy size 14/16.  I must say it's been a beast trying to get this extra weight off.  People may not notice that I am carrying more weight than I should because of my height, but it's my frame that disagrees with it.  I have a tall but petite frame and should be lighter.  I've always weighed heavier so I measure this by my measurements instead.  My weight goal is to be around 165 to 170ish, so it's about 15 to 20lbs I need to loose.  I've done it before and I know I can do it again....it just might take a little longer this time.

I've been alternating between weight training and aerobics for six days a week for months.  The exercise also keeps me from having another frozen shoulder (adhesive capsulitis) episode, which is pretty painful and restricting in case you didn't know.  I had injured it last year carrying too much on one side and the scar tissue built up effectively "freezing" my shoulder.  It hurt like sin and put a big set back on my fitness and weight loss plan.  Eventually, working slowly but surely (and suffering through the pain) I was able to get most of my range of motion back and full use.  It hurts sometimes but it's nothing compared what if felt like prior to me working through it.  It's what I chalk up to as an accomplishment and I actually feel pretty good about it.

With these two accomplishments behind me, I feel positive.  I feel happy.  I haven't felt this good in years.  As a matter of fact, not since 2004 or 2005.  It's been a very long time.  I don't want to loose it again and I will do what I can to maintain it.  I choose happiness and positivity, thank you very much.  My goals are attainable and I know with perseverance I will succeed.  My life is opening back up and that means I can start to open up too.  I can't hide from it forever, no one can.  It's time to move forward and see what the future holds for me now.  I don't ever want to go back to that dark place again.  It is behind me and it can stay there.

I have much more to say, but I think I will stop here and save it for later.  Know this~ The change has started, the veil has lifted and I am free.