Well...here we go

It has been quite a while since my last blog.  I didn't really update it because...well...there wasn't anything really worth blogging about.  Let's see... I believe the last time I wrote a blog I was just training my coworker to be the administrative assistant for the practice.  She did her very best and I helped where I could.  Things have changed and now they have switched us.  She is now the receptionist and I am now in the hot seat.

Honestly, I am not upset about this.

I welcome this change.  Now I don't have to talk to every single person that comes out of the elevator.  Not that this was a bad thing but when you are trying to focus on a tasks, it's a bit distracting.  Did  I mention that I can be very distractable when working on something that doesn't have my complete interest?  Yeah, that would be me. Not sitting in the window for me is a very good thing.  It's also a good thing for my coworker because she is the Social Butterfly.  She loves being friendly and personable.  I honestly can't say that for me.  I'm a bit more dry.  An acquired taste, if you will.

Now I track the doc's schedule and document credits and licenses for the practice as well as process reports and data entry.  Bonus: I don't have a window in front of me so I can focus on the many different things that I need to pay attention to.

Since there have been multiple people in this position since the original coworker, much of the paper work is no longer where it used to be.  Stuff has been shuffled and possible misfiled.  I need to reorganize and catalog everything.  I've been squirreling stuff away for this task for a couple years now.  It's like I knew this would come to pass and I would be doing it.  Yeah...it's like I'm psycho.  Or psychic...take your pick! ;-).

As for non-work related things.  Honestly, nothing is happening.  The Renaissance fair that I call home away from home is gearing up for another season.  Unfortunately, I will not be able to work it this year (again) due to my work schedule.  I really do have much to do at work but my not being able to work it is also due to the fact that I worry about my old car pooping out and the second biggest reason...I like being home on my day off.  I like cleaning my house and cooking food for the upcoming work week.  But I think these are partially self-made reasons.  But I am so torn.  I LOVE working fair.  I love the people that work the fair.  I love it all.  It truly is a wonderful thing but I just need to snap out of my self made bonds and excuses that I use to keep my from doing it.

I need to get it together.

What I really need to do is win the lottery.  I guess I would have to actually play to win.  There is that.  Money wouldn't solve everything, goodness knows I've seen what it does to people, but it would make things a bit easier for myself and those that I would gift to help them out too.

I can dream, can't I?

I've spent enough time goofing off.  Need to pack up the left overs from tonight's dinner for lunches for next week and settle down and get ready for my favorite program..The Strain!  I love the comics and I am loving the television series.  I love it enough to want to purchase the series when it's released on disk.  Yep, love it that much.

And maybe I will finish up a sock that I have been slacking on.  I just want to finish it so I can start the next one.  It's driving me crazy!!  But I need to also start on the holiday knitting too.  And start looking out for good gifts.  I've been thinking of making knit Christmas stockings for everyone and putting gifts in the.  It's just a though because that would suck up a lot of time.  Something to consider though.

Have a good week~
May it be creative and productive!

It has been a while since I posted a blog.  Over a year, as a matter of fact.  Much hasn't changed, but then again, much has.

I'm older for starters.  I'm starting to see what the hell all of my older friends and acquaintances spoke about before, years ago.  I thought they were just being old prunes or full of it.  Well...color me surprised...they weren't joking.  It's strange how one's attitude toward different things change with age.  Stuff that was so important when I was younger...now couldn't muster up the poo to give a crap.
As an added bonus...I'm gaining the weight that comes with age.  If you are reading this and you are in your twenties or thirties: Start working out and watch what you eat now!!  It's not easy to loose a couple pounds like it was and it shows.

Yeah...enough about that.

Since I last posted I adopted/rescued a sickly kitten.  Well, he's not sick anymore and he's a year old now but you get the picture.  Squeaky has become more friendly with me since Paco passed away.  Benjamin has become a bit "rounder" but I think it's not only because he loves his food.  He also strains to go poo sometimes and the color differs from pale to very dark.  Have to save up money to take him to the vet because the exam and lab tests will cost over $500.  I know this because I asked my vet.  Alice is just as fuzzy and sweet as always.  She's also started picking fur on different spots much like Gordo used to do.  It's a nervous thing, I believe.  I got herbal flea stuff, just in case.  It doesn't have any chemicals and it's safe around pets and children.  Imagine that?  A flea treatment that's actually safe to put on your pet.  That's sarcasm right there, in case you missed it.  Anyway...I spray the house regularly with lavender and tea tree oil mixed with water, which seems to work well enough by its self and smells good to boot.

What else...
Well, I managed to go another year without working Casa.  Hell, I even missed working Dickens this last year.  I miss it but at the same time, I really liked having the Sunday open to, oh..I don't know..sleep, clean and do chores or what ever I wanted.  I mean, come on!  I only have one freaking day off most of the time...It's getting kind of old and I just don't feel like stressing myself more than I need to anymore. Besides since I have been getting my anxiety/panic attacks I really have had to cut back on stuff that I know sets them off.  Back to that topic in a minute.

I do miss fair, I miss everything about it.  I just don't know what I could do there now.  I'm not much of a "gigger" although I do like talking to people and asking about their travels and what not.  I'm certainly not an entertainer.  I don't know where my place is anymore.  I feel kind of pointless.  Heh, I guess that sums me up pretty well-pointless!  Maybe something will show it's way whether it's me simply being a patron, or maybe a garden member or if there is a guild for old wash-ups and has-beens...then I'm there.  But, I have some faith in it all and I will figure something out because I always do.

Back on to anxiety/panic attacks.  Well...they aren't as bad as they were a while ago but they do wax and wane. I've previously blogged about it before so I won't go into again but I guess I'm just wired for this type of thing and it takes a while for the anxiety to go away but as I have now learned, even if there aren't any "symptoms" it doesn't mean that it has gone away.  It just hasn't been triggered by something.  I know this now and I'm more self aware about it.  I'm thinking that's a good thing all the way around.

Let's see...what else...
Oh yeah...have another new coworker.  Let's see, how many has it been?  That would be six.  Six people in the position next to me.  That's five of those people I trained.  I like the most recent one who happens to be an old employee of docs.  Had to train her to get her up to date though.  She is an older lady and no idiot but had no computer knowledge.  None.  Zero.  I had to teach her the basics of the computer AND how to use the programs.  I had to show her how to use and send email.  Send an email.......let that one sink in for a moment. I was with her when she made her first Amazon purchase.  It was like a milestone and she was pretty excited about it.  Now she's up to speed and everything seems okay.  For the most part anyway.

Other than all the above, it's just the same crap-different day.  Some times life zooms past while I stand still and other times I'm the one rushing while everything else seems frozen still.  I guess that's normal and everyone experiences this. I think some more than others, judging by some people's behavior.  Some of my friends seem more caught up with their lives.  Some struggling and floundering.  Some rising above it and succeeding with their happiness.  And most of us are some where in the middle.  I know we all strive for the better.  I hope we find it.

As the the world turns....or something like that.

Haven't updated my blog in a while, I've been pretty busy at work.  Hell, I usually am but my boss recently decided to lay off my coworker that works upfront with me and my other coworker during the day and then work in the back during clinic.  The boss claims that it was a financial decision.  I'm sure it was but not for the reasons others would suspect.  I won't get into it but it's been a freaking nightmare for me and my coworker in the front office trying to do our jobs and do my co-worker's job duties too.  I just "love" working 10 to 12 hour shifts a day.  Yeah.  "Love" it. I hope if you are reading this you are catching the sarcasm in the "love" statements.  If you aren't....then read it again but with sarcasm.  That's better!

Aside from that, I have gone back to being vegetarian.  I was a strict vegetarian for years but I fell off the wagon.  I was tempted by the grilled aroma of flesh...and it was good!    Dammit...why do they have to taste so delicious?!!  However, the guilt of how the poor little critters where treated and their miserable lives up until they are killed with out any kindness shown to them their entire lives....yeah, I can't support that.  I won't spend another dime to support that.  The animals have feelings and souls.  Just because they can't speak doesn't mean they are beneath those that can.  I am glad that I have gone back to being a vegetarian although I will not give up my dairy.  Sorry....can't doo eet.  I love it too much.  Oh and I do have fish every now and then...but I still feel guilty about it.  Heck, I've already lost some inches since I've stopped eating the meat.  Not surprised really since I was super skinny when I was sticking to the vegetarian diet last time.  It's a healthier choice for me (mentally and physically).

Now lets touch the topic of dreams.  Lately I have been having extremely vivid dreams with many featuring people that I know have passed on.  It's like they are just coming by to touch bases and visit while hanging out in my dreams and joining in what every odd shenanigans are going on in them.  There have even been a couple with me confronting a few people that needed confronting (names withheld because they are still living and I don't want to spoil the surprise when I do get to jack their asses up...or at least watch when Karma bites them in the ass.  And it will).

The dream I had last night/this morning was sort of odd.  I'm standing on a hill over looking hills covered with yellow and purple flowers and buildings/homes.  The best I can make of it is a mix up of the area I lived when I was 4 years old and where I am living now.  It was quite beautiful.  I remember just staring and watching while feeling the wind and the sun.  I remember there was someone there but I couldn't see them but they were talking to me.  A group of people and I had just completed some type of task and I walked away from the others to regroup and that's when I heard the voice of the invisible person.  It sounded like it could have been a woman.

It had something to do with "the man in my dreams".  The one that is always featured as my spouse or boyfriend (I've been dreaming about this mysterious man for decades).  He was missing in this dream and I hear the voice and it was right up against my ear saying, "He's here".  I woke right up and it was 7:00 am so there wasn't any reason to go back to sleep but that voice sounded like the person was literally standing on the side of the bed speaking into my ear.  It unnerved me a bit.  I'm not sure if that statement was literal or figurative....but it sticks with me.  It sticks with me much like all the other dreams of him.  I never see his actual face, just the hair and sometimes the eyes, sometimes the voice.  I'm inclined that this person has never been an actual human being but is just someone that populates my mind to torment me until I either become senile or just kick the bucket.

Seems kind of fitting actually, not having an actual fella but an dream one.  I already qualify for "the crazy cat/animal lady" moniker so this is probably a side effect of the title along with always being alone with out company.  I know some of my neighbors and most of my friends have to think this.  Never goes out, doesn't talk to anyone but just works and hangs with her pets.  I can see how that might disconcert some people.  I guess I just like hanging by myself and with my pets, they are pretty good company.  Everyone has families and significant others and to be honest...I hate being a third or fifth wheel in any circumstance so I just don't bother putting myself out there.  I guess this attitude is a family trait on my father's side so I just go with my nature.  Grandfather lived in the mountains with nature by himself and he was perfectly content as a hermit.  My dad pretty much the same thing.  The only difference between both of them and me (besides me being female, obviously) is that I have communication through the Internet and don't want to cut my self off absolutely.  Not yet anyway.  My mom was a freaking social butterfly, I can be one too if I feel like it...sometimes...okay, rarely.  But the mountains and trees always call to me!  They are always calling to me!

Heh!  This is my life and this is who I am.  Call me crazy if you like, that's fine because I'll probably agree with you ;-).

My silly Paco bird

My silly Paco bird a video by wendywllms on Flickr.

My silly guy during the summer time~

Goodbye

Yesterday started like most weekends with loose plans on what I wanted to do (and how they end up being).  Ended up helping a friend's mom who also happens to be my neighbor pack and move.  We were pretty busy and then we broke for lunch and I offered for everyone to eat at my place since there was more room and relatively clean....didn't get a chance to do chores yet at that time.

As we sat in my front room and dined on delicious deli sandwiches and talked, Paco and Squeak are chiming in and playing in their cages.  To appearances, Paco was perfectly fine.  He begged for what I was eating, he tried talking and chiming in when someone was speaking, and he interacted and was playing.  Everything seemed absolutely fine.  I had been watching him since he got some type of respiratory infection a few weeks back but I treated him for a week with Marvel-Aid and it cleared right up so I have been uber observant of Paco's behavior and droppings.  Yesterday, everything seemed normal in the morning and early afternoon.

In the late afternoon, I couldn't really help anymore because I had a few things I needed to attend to and I wasn't much use for what my friends were packing up in their mom's apartment.  I went home and started to tidy up the house and get ready to head to the store for animal foods.  As I sat in the front room to eat a bite before I headed out, I noticed it was quiet in Paco's cage.  I looked over to where there would normally be a begging bird to Paco sitting like he wasn't feeling well.  My first thought was "Oh no, not again".  But I watched him after I swapped out his water for medicine and I noticed his breathing was not the issue.  I could tell he was in pain and he got really unstable, his pupils became huge and he almost fell off his perch.  This scared him pretty bad so he ran to his "sleeping" perch and a second later he double times it to his bottom perch by me and starts violently throwing up.  In all the years I have been around birds, I have never seen this...ever.  It was pretty bad.  I didn't think birds could do that but I had a bad feeling that this was a precursor for something else.

It all happened relatively quickly.  I watched him struggle to stay focused.  I sat close to his cage and he would focus on me then he would focus on Squeak then he would try to stay balanced on his cage.  I battled with myself trying to decide if I should take him out of the cage and remove the perches or if there would be enough time and let him be comfortable until it was "time".

I didn't  leave his side and neither did Squeak.  I spoke to him and sang his favorite silly song that he would dance and get silly to.  Squeak couldn't decide whether he was afraid or not but he was trying very hard for Paco to talk to him and interact while Paco slipped lower and lower on the perch until he started dipping far forward.  I put an extra perch in front of him to help him stay where he was but a few minutes later he loss use of feet, so I took a soft towel and held him in my lap in front of Squeak's cage.

I could tell Paco was starting to get scared and with all my heart I wish I could have made it better for him, to comfort him and make him know it was going to be alright and over with soon.  Sadly I couldn't.  All I could do is watch my friend of 32 years slowly fading away with fear in his eyes.  Toward the end, I sang to him to help somehow.  As I sang the final verse to him he passed away in my arms and there he stayed for a while.  After I collected myself and let Squeak see that Paco was still and had gone, I spoke a prayer for him and his safety and then I wrapped him up and am holding on to his remains until I cremate him.

I have already moved Squeak to where Paco used to be.  Squeak likes the spot because he can see everything but I can tell he is still a bit unclear on what might have happened to his friend.  I soaked the cage and all the toys in boiling bleach water for sanitation and now that most of the stuff is dry I have put a few of Paco's favorite toys in Squeak's cage.  Squeak recognized them right away and I suppose either Squeak will start playing with them and maybe remembering his friend OR Paco's little spirit with hang out in Squeak's cage to play with his toys.  Either way it will be a good thing.

Next to seeing my little green friend passing, putting his cage away in the storage closet was pretty bad too.  I can't stand the idea of his little soul being confused and trying to figure out why he is in the closet with no  toys in the dark.  That really bothers me.  It's has bothered me about that with all my birds that have moved on when I have had to pack their cages away.

I understand that Paco has had a very long life and he is/was a lucky bird that he has always had me there for the most part to try to make his life as best I can.  Not all pets are that lucky and I understand that too.  It's hard and I have been expecting this more and more as the years have crept past the twenty mark since I wasn't sure how long I would have to spend with my friend, but I am thankful for all the time that was given, especially the few extra weeks after his illness last month.

I have given Paco a good life filled with as much love and happiness that I could provide.  His time has come and now I will available to help another bird that is in need of rescue and my help Perhaps not now however, it's still too fresh, but eventually when the time comes.  As a matter of fact, I believe this.  Animals in need always seem to find their way to me and I try to be there to give them the help and attention they require.  Of course the new rescue that eventually will find it's way to my home won't be the same as my Paco, but no animal is the same as the other (just like people) so I have no expectations.

So a chapter of my life and Paco's has closed.  We have been a part of each other's life for so many years but now it is time to part ways and I don't know if I will ever come across my little green friend again.  My heart is broken but I know it is how it's supposed to be and eventually I will go down that same road.  I don't think I will say "Good Bye" but "Farewell" until we hopefully meet again, my friend.  I will miss and love you and there will always be a place for you in my heart. You are my little green buzzard <3.

Here are some pictures of pets, some still here and some that are now gone to the rainbow bridge.

The end is really the beginning

So another year has come and gone with many trials and challenges to face for many of us.  I have managed to pass most of mine for this year and I suppose I will have more to face in the upcoming year because that's just how "life" is.  If we aren't challenged then we don't have a chance to learn and grow as people.  My personal challenge lasted several years and I suppose I am still adjusting to not having to deal with it directly (the debt payments and car payments) but that doesn't mean that my behavior hasn't been modified.  I will still adhere to the regimen  that I have adopted to make sure I can  make the ends meet each month.  With the price of everything climbing monthly and no sign of this trend changing, I am guessing I will be doing this for the rest of my life.  I suppose I am not the only one of my friends that will be practicing frugality with the way things have become as a life choice and not a trend.

This holiday season was the first year I was actually able to purchase a few gifts for my sister and her family. I used the money that would have been for the car payment and turned it towards them so no credit cards were involved :-).  I like that.  No credit cards were used in this season!!  Not that I would want to use those evil things.  Credit has it's uses but it shouldn't be a constant crutch to survive.  The point to this...I won't have to pay off any credit bills for presents.  Unfortunately, I was unable to make my home made cards or presents which I truly enjoy doing.  This is a disappointment to me because then I can give something homemade and hand crafted to people that I know.  I suppose I can make something for this month if time allows.  And there is the problem: time.  This is the reason why I was unable to make anything for everyone in the first place.  Work is just busy.  Of course, I would rather be busy at work and be able to pay my bills than not busy at work and have no way to pay my bills..,.so I'm not complaining about the "busy" just the "not being able to make something for everyone".  I suppose, in good time I will be able to make this up.  So expect something strange and random from me if you have received something from me before.  Perhaps this will be better than when something is expected.  Pleasant surprises are nice...most of the time!

My time this season was spent for the most part being sick for several weeks and only working a few weeks of Dickens Christmas Fair.  I had feelings of dread and not wanting to do the fair after I signed on, perhaps I knew that I would be a sick as a dog for several weeks.  Even after receiving a flu shot.  I feel bad for everyone at the shop having to cover for me but I'm glad they were able to manage.  Of course how it goes is that after fair, everyone that wasn't sick during the run gets deathly ill with the "plague".  I usually don't so I guess my luck ran out this last year!  Oh well, here is to us all being healthy this upcoming new year!!  I made up for my absence for tear down so I guess it sort of breaks even.

Oddly enough, the timing of this holiday season has enabled me to actually take time off from work.  When I say time off, I mean more than just two days but five glorious days.  When was the last time I have had an actual "vacation" you may ask?  Well, I looked and it was 2007.  Right around the time I started the debt settlement payments.  I would say this is a cycle that has completed!

I may have had Christmas Eve off but I spent it and the following Saturday by I ended up working it at the Cow Palace helping with the breaking down of the tea shop.  There seems like more things that need to be done when breaking something down than when building something up.  I tried keeping everything "organized" but honestly things got jumbled by others so I said to myself, "screw it" and gave up the illusion that it could be put away in such a manner as to ease the task next year.  It is what it is but with many hands to help it should go quickly.


I didn't really go anywhere for my stay-cation but stayed at home and enjoyed it completely!  The day after Christmas, I decided to brave the stores and try to head to Michael's to pick up the frosted fruit decorations I had been watching with interest for the Tea Shop's Christmas tree for next year.  I showed up to the store and it was picked bare.  When I say bare I mean bone dry bare.  There were a few decorations left but none that I was looking for.  It appears that I was not the only one watching the decorations with interest.  I failed in obtaining them but I was able to pick up a few presents for myself such as a sock loom and some fancy yarns to play with.  The yarn was displayed with other yarns on sale so I assumed that it was on sale.  You know what they say about assume?  It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".  So I get to the register with my yarn and sock loom trying to get my coupon to load on my phone.  I let the cashier know that it wasn't loading so she cut me a 50% off one item deal and the bill was still kind of high but I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  Did some other errands and got home to discover the store had stuffed $8.99 yarn (which I purchased) in with yarn that was marked on sale for $3.99.  I foolishly picked up the full priced yarn and bought two skeins.  A bit annoying but at least I got the loom for half price.  Win some loose some!  Doesn't really matter, I still like the yarn.

So I decided to do a project that would be quick, making a type of cowl scarf.  It was a bit tricky with the way the yarn is made so I had to look it up on Lion Brand's website but was able to get a nice cowl scarf made.  I also realized that this yarn would make a darling wreath with the right color OR a lion's mane for a Halloween costume for a child.  So many possibilities...so little time :-).


So to show you what I mean, let me show you the picture: I'm a lion...Rawr!


At least I was also able to get some house cleaning done at a leisurely pace while enjoying my time off as well as some relaxing cooking.  I was even able to knock out the holiday cookies and was able to deliver them.  This pleases me because then I am able to enjoy any of the failed cookies...yay!


Unfortunately, I was enjoying just "being" so I didn't get a chance to do any deep cleaning like I had originally planned but the tasks that I did do were enjoyable and relaxing.  I didn't get a chance to really visit with anyone except for the days at the Cow Palace for tear down and when going to my sister's to deliver the presents.  Honestly, I'm fine with that.  I am relaxed and I feel at peace-this is what is important.  My life has been "go! go! go!" and the break was "stop and listen!"  I am glad that I took this time off even though there is plenty I could have done at work to get ahead.  There are charts to purge, box and organize to be picked up.  There are forms to complete so the patients don't drive me crazy on how broke they are (although I can appreciate what they are telling me) and I can get caught up on filing and scanning.  My tasks are huge and never ending...but I am glad I paused and took a break.  I will play catch up best I can when I return January 2nd.

All the holiday decorations are put away and the house is clean and sadly naked now.  I enjoyed the gift from Ann (the home made marshmallows and cocoa which were delicious) while packing while watching/listening to the latest Sherlock Holmes Blue Ray while packing away the holiday decorations. The only thing that I didn't have the heart to pack away was the mirrored disco ball decorations.  So, I decided to place them about the house for extra sparkle and to scare evil spirits away (the quirky superstitious side of me) in the windows.  I felt compelled to do it but I do like the way they look.  I even put the little ones in the ficus tree all over on the branches.  I am looking forward to how they all sparkle when the light hits them through out the year since the window facing the the tree is in faces the sun as it sets most of the year.  With all that is completed today, this makes for a perfect ending to a perfect day of a perfect week!

And as 2012 has passed and I welcome 2013 and it's new challenges May this new year bring all of us many good memories to reflect back on and may all our hearts and hearths be filled with love, light, laughter, friendship and bounty this upcoming year.  Bless us all and Happy New Year!

The Yule Blog

It's been quite some time since I have had time to sit down and seriously do any type of writing...or anything else for that matter.  Sometimes life just swallows you up.  This has been one of those times.  I guess I should be glad about it, many complain about having noting to do...so....yeah.  Not complaining...really.  Well, maybe a little.  It has been taking away from other areas of my life and interests like...the outdoors, art, music...writing, cooking, keeping in touch with friends in person (not Facebook ...doing stuff.  I think you can get the picture: I've been busy.

I'm trying to be philosophical about the current cycle: It's just a cycle and like all cycles, it will end heralding another different cycle that I will find something to complain about.  Well, at least there will be something constant about it ;-).

On to other things~  I missed most of Dickens fair this year and have been reminded of a valuable lesson: Be careful what you wish for!  I had misgivings about working it after I signed on...and then I got sick not one weekend but three.  Super.  Haven't been sick in years.  So there we have it.  I missed all the people that I normally see at fair that I rarely get to see.  I missed seeing any shows or doing any shopping that I wanted to do while at Dickens.  I'm a bit irritated about that.  I was hoping to trade in my corset for a newer bigger one and have a blown glass goblet fashioned for me plus pick up some gifts for friends and family.
This has been blown to bits and now I have to wait until next year.  That is if I'm still around-remember, nothing in life is guaranteed....except the unexpected and death.  A bit dark you say for a Christmas blog?  Well, that is how life is so get used to it.

Well, besides being sick, the flu medicine helped give me some crazy dreams.  Normally I would have my typical "fight the alien invader" dreams filled with action and adventure but those haven't really been happening as of late.  I have had more flying dreams.  Two notable ones were one with me as a giant dark blue gargoyle.  I was so happy flying around in the night sky with the Nigh Crawler from the X-men.  Strange but wonderful dream.  The next dream took place during the day and I was with a group that were the same as me.  We were all like owls but we were all covered in feathers and what looked like golden porcupine quills.  I can't explain it except that in both dreams, I was some type of guardian and I belonged to a greater group.  The last dream happened right before I woke up for work and wasn't a flying dream but of me with a man and I couldn't tell for sure if he was the same man I always see but he may have been.  We were facing each other and were having a very serious conversation when he thrust his hand into my chest and pulled out my heart.  He held it in his hand in front of me and then repeated the process on himself.  He stuffed his heart where my heart was and then placed my heart in where his was. As he did this he said, "There, now my heart belongs to you". At that time I was speechless but when I woke up my first thought on the dream was, "As mine is yours."  It makes me sad to think about.  The flying dreams are so much happier.  Damn cold medicine.

As for my Anxiety~  Well, it comes and goes.  Things trigger it it, mostly driving home after work.  I have no idea why driving would trigger it but it does.  It's really annoying but fortunately it's nothing like it was last year so I am happy to deal with this instead of how it used to be.  I am currently lowering my SJW to just one capsule a day and seeing how that goes.  I hate having to take something every stinking day but if I do, I would prefer it be as small as possible.

On to crafty things!~ My time to make knitted hats for the homeless people around my work have been seriously limited.  I have only been able to make two and I gave one to a friend to donate to a church and I gave the other to a man I see on the corner pretty frequently.  He seemed happy about getting the hat, I hope it serves him well for what ever purpose he has for it.  I really would like to make some more and donate them or hand them out.  It bothers me that I can't get more out sooner but there is only so much time available so I have to be realistic about what I would like to do.  I'm still going to push my self, however.  This needs to be done.  What else needs to be finished is the throw blanket I'm working on for a friend for Christmas.  Obviously, if I'm writing about it...I haven't finished it yet.  Words cannot express how irritated I am that I was unable to complete this project.  I will have to snap a picture and include it in a card with a promise of more to come!

More crafty tings!~ Besides knitting projects I also didn't get a chance to do my home made cards.  This also bothers me.  I was looking forward to making them but I just haven't had the time or artistic inspiration of photographs to complete them.  Argh!!  So annoying.  The one thing I have had headway in was my Shrinky-Dink ornament project.  I was able to complete several "Tea Shop" themed ornaments for a few of the people at the Tea Shop but I haven't been able to work on the other items I want to make.  Again with the Annoying!!



My Facial Experiment.....Yeah, I got tired of following that regime for the most part.  There was improvement when I was following it up to a point but that point was cataloged so that's pretty much it.  I do use my Clarisonic, facial exercise and use Philosophy on a daily basis so I haven't stopped everything, just the light-stim.  I will use it when I have a little more leisure time or a bad break out ;-).

On to today~  I woke up to a Christmas and for the first time in my life, I did not have a present under the tree to open.  I wasn't sad about this but philosophical.  What does this mean?  Perhaps my gift this year is not something that one can touch but simply the knowledge that one has accomplished.  I have all that I need, so I don't need anymore "things".  My place is small and packed, "things" is not something I want.  What I had wanted during the year was simply paying off debt and having enough to live a simple life.  This I have accomplished this year after seven years of struggling.  That is my gift.  It's something that can't be wrapped under a tree but it is a gift to be given to one's self and appreciated.  I am thankful for this.  I am thankful that I have succeeded with  this goal and the necessities necessary to live.  All I wanted was a simple life with enough to live comfortably and I am there.  I never asked for more than I needed nor have I wanted it.  Seriously, I can't imagine needing anything more for myself.  I can only think of a few small things that aren't in my life, but these are things that I exclude from my life on purpose and for the better.

As a closing I will wish that everyone's Christmas has been everything they have hoped for or ever wanted.  I hope their hearts and hearths are filled with laughter and love. I wish you all the best of the holidays and I hope  it continues for us all.  Remember, life is funny and unexpected so be careful what you wish for because you just might get it :-).

 

Dream blog

This last week has been filled with unusual dreams.  Some are my usual "fighting invading space aliens adventure" dreams but there have been a few that are a bit different.  Last Monday, I had a dream that started out normal and then switched to me separating from the people I was with.  I wandered into a meadow and paused.  The sky was beautiful filled with violets and golds, the sun had just past the horizon and the stars were starting to pop out.  The meadow was surrounded by pine and I heard crickets starting to call to one another.  I stood there for a moment to take it all in and then I looked up into the sky and felt a wave of sadness and loneliness and asked out loud, "Where are you?"  In my dream I was asking where my "significant other" was.  Who ever that would be.  I would guess that it would be the man that I have seen in my dreams over the years.  It was a really melancholy moment and then something drew me out of the dream and I started waking up.  Normally I sleep with a long knitted cap pulled over my eyes to keep my head warm and the light out of my eyes but the cap had ridden up a bit and I could see the side of my bed.  I saw a dark but transparent figure leaning against the window with his arms folded across his chest looking down at me.  As I started to realize what I was seeing and stirring a bit more, he sort of "dissipated".  He looked like a smoke statue being blown away from the head down and the smoke was blown out of my bedroom door.  I laid there for a minute to process what I just saw and then I got up to make myself some coffee, obviously I needed it.  That dream, like a few others, has stuck with me.

My dream this morning was a bit different.  It started of with the regular random strangers wandering around in some shopping plaza then I noticed that there were orange fishes that were hopping out of a pool and they were started to spawn and create fry.  My first thought was that I had better get to work.  I head straight to a pet store and I notice that the huge orange fish are doing the same thing there too.  I walk to the back and I see my son sitting waiting for me by the bird cages which is near the fish tanks.  He says "Hi mom" I say hello back and apologize for keeping him waiting while I started working on the fish tanks to prepare to clean up the eggs and fry the fish were creating.  I see a bunch of noisy annoying shoppers teasing the birds and it starts to irritate me, my son notices too but I keep to what I was doing.  I start talking to him about the different types of birds and their habitats and ask if he would like me to lift him so he can see them better.  He gets embarrassed and indignant for a 9 year old and states he can do it himself.  So I pull a stool for him so he can get a better look while I work.  Then my boss in the dream comes out and then I start waking up.

Keep in mind, I don't have children and I am not able to have children because something goes wrong and I miscarry.  So I suppose that this would be the child I should have had but never did in my dream and my job would be the job I should have had but didn't.  Ah but life isn't like that, is it?  I do remember what my son looks like though.  Cute little guy with very similar features as mine but with a bit darker coloring.  His eyes were a bit more hazel than mine and his nose is a little different, I suppose these features are more like the father (who ever that would be in my dream).  His hair is a dark golden  blonde and he's wearing a stripped long sleeve shirt with multi-colors and a dark vest.  He has blue jeans and hiking boots to round off the outfit pairing it with a toy train or truck, I couldn't tell but the toy was blue with yellow wheels.  I could tell he would grow up to be handsome and have a much larger frame than my own (thank goodness).  I knew he would favor his father in that respect.  These are the things I knew in my dream and I am glad that I can remember them still but I wanted to get it down before it starts to fade.  The dream comforted me strangely, I guess it's nice to know that maybe in an alternate universe or dream world I can have those things that I had always wanted in the first place. It's becoming to late to have any family of my own, age wise and for other reasons already mentioned, it simply was not meant to be for me.  It's nice to know that some version of me was able to and I am here in this reality so I had better make the best of it the best that I can.  Who knows what tomorrows dreams will bring for me?

Facial Experiment continues~

I think another good name for this little blog would be "The Win some Lose some blog".  I skipped last week posting partially because I didn't feel like it and because I wanted to see any real difference.  I have noticed some improvements, although subtle in some ways and more obvious in others.  I have noticed also that there are some drawbacks that are becoming more apparent.
I have been basically consistent with the skin care, using the Clarisonic every night.  I love that thing, it really has done wonders with my skin.  The pores have gotten noticeably smaller.  They aren't invisible, but the appearance is improved.  I have done the facial exercises every morning and evening and I think it shows.  I have started alternating use of the Lite-stim to every other night.  I think it has helped as well, but I don't think it has been a big contributor in my attempt to improve appearance.

This picture is from last Saturday 7/28th when compared to the very first one taken in June.  The pictures, at least seem to match in positions.  Not as good as I would like but it could be so much worse.  There are some improvements that have been achieved over these last few weeks.  The skin looks healthier, the face itself looks more firm and is and the eyes look better.  My neck is also a little bigger from the exercises that I have been doing.  So that's the good stuff.

 The bad stuff is that since I have been working on trying to drop a few pounds in the hope of improving the "jowly" area on my jawline, I have actually seemed to have made it more noticeable to a certain degree.  Sure, I managed to bring the jowls down on my face but it is drawing attention to that loose skin that attaches my lower jaw and neck.  I have always had extra skin there and it has always bugged me.  Getting older....it is really bugging me.  I don't think the car accident I was in years ago helped it either because after the accident the skin hanging was more pronounced on one side vs the other.  It's my fault that I didn't go to the doctor right away to get it corrected.  I have no one to blame but myself for that so I just have to deal with it now.  I am thinking that

maybe the exercises might help a little bit more but I am still thinking that a neck lift is the only real solution to get rid of it.
The picture featured right here was taken today (Saturday 8/5).  The "pose" doesn't match but I think the idea is there.  The face doesn't seem so...blah and saggy as the original one.  The skin seems better except the neck.  Besides the less than occasional blemish, I have to say for the most part I am pleased with what I have done (except for the gross neck skin).  With the few pounds I have lost and facial exercises, the skin on the neck just isn't bouncing back like one would hope.  Everything else is going to plan, however.  Goodness knows I have stood in the mirror and did the "face lift" test.  All I have to do is put one index finger on each side of my lower jaw and "Poof!" the saggy neck skin AND the remaining jowls disappear!  So with that being said, I will try a bit longer to see if any improvement can be had in my real problem area and I will hope for the best but I know what the alternative will be if I can't make any headway.
I admit it, I will get cosmetic surgery.  I will get the neck lift if I can't fix it myself.  It's something that as I have mentioned before, always bothered me so there is no shame in admitting it.  At least there isn't to me.  Maybe this stupid blog project I'm doing will actually encourage someone to try some of the stuff I have been doing if they have "problem" areas in spots where I had improvement because they don't want to have to have surgery.  I would say, "Great!"  Good for them for trying!  But before we all get excited about this all, I still have one more month to go before I determine what is really going to succeed.  Who knows, maybe the facial exercises will finally get the loose skin to start tightening up and I can hold off on the inevitable surgery a bit longer!

Week Two of the "Facial Experiment"

So as promised, here is my update on the experiment to get my face to look better.  It's been a little over two weeks, 17 days to be exact and I have stuck to the routine religiously.  I have gotten into the routine but I have noticed that it does take up a lot of time on the nights I work late and sort of creeps into my "go to bed" time.  Unfortunately I have fallen asleep while using the light-stim on occasion.  I of course wake up a bit later and finish what I started but I find that a bit annoying.  The light it's self doesn't get hot enough to do any damage to any material or burn me by accident when I doze off but I just need to remember the whole treatment takes about 40-45 minutes.  The light however is quite comforting and relaxing while I watch television so maybe I should consider sitting at my desk which is purposefully not as comfortable so I don't sit at it for too long. I think I will try it tonight.
On to the photos~

Here are the usual "mug shots" the one with the red shirt being the photo taken on June 28th and the green shirt being taken today, July 15th.  Again I am taking pictures in the most unflattering light to show the the areas that I am aiming to improve.  I don't really see any real change with the jawline in the portrait photos but I do note that the skin looks better and my mouth besides not being symmetrical, is starting to "lift" in the corners of the mouth.  I believe that is the product of the facial exercised that I have been doing twice a day.  They are also helping around the eye area where there is less puffiness.  Or at least that is how it looks to me and I would like to think.  I suppose by the end of four months, I will be able to tell for certain.

I think the profile pictures illustrate the jawline and jowls pretty well.  With the stark lighting they both show that there is some improvement.  It's small, but it's there and that is what I am aiming for!

I can see some improvement when comparing the older with the newest one.  I haven't changed my diet at all, although I feel confident that if I lost the ten to fifteen pounds my jowly cheeks would probably go away or at least shrink up enough not to bother me every time I see myself.

I tried to remember the time of morning that I had taken the original photo but I am thinking that it may have been overcast with the first picture so the light will be different.  This time I also took a comparison with last week and this week.

The picture of last week and this week show some mild difference.  It's like the jawline and neck are changing a bit.  I find that promising and look forward to see how it progresses in the coming weeks.


I threw this picture with the three different angles in to illustrate things that I am noticing.  Besides the jawline improving, the texture of my skin on my neck is improving.  Last month, the skin was a tad...crepe-like in some spots.  I am thinking with the combination of the light-stim, Clarisonic and exercises that it is improving the skin.  My face feels more firm, that is for certain.  These types of things one can't really photograph but certainly observe and I am seeing improvement in the size of my pores.  Not a huge improvement but my skin does look much better.  I am also noticing that there is definition on my jaw which is illustrated with the third photo.  I haven't had that "indent" or definition in years and quite frankly I am pretty pleased that I am getting it back.  With regaining that definition but still having a slight jowl, I am thinking that weight loss should also become a priority to obtaining optimal results.  AND I could stand to loose it as mentioned before.

So this concludes this weeks observations. This may take a while but I am seeing that the reward will outweigh the work. Hopefully, what I am doing may help someone else that is experiencing similar skin issues and help them decide which treatment may help them.  

Focusing elsewhere~health and appearances

I've made my final payment to the credit consolidation company.  From the moment the payments post at the end of this month, I will be finished with the crazy payments.  I might actually be able to take a Saturday off and do something that might cost a few bucks, like...treat myself to lunch or dinner, treat a couple friends since they have been treating me, go to the movies again, go out and do stuff!  Heck, all sorts of possibilities.  I am realistic about everything though.  Just because I am done with the ridiculous payments I still have another card I would like to pay down.  I still have lots of up keep on my car!  I have to pay off my car!!  That takes money-so I will be working some extra days for sure but at least it won't be a matter of life and death for me.  I have been working on feeling better, I've got my mental health in order and feel pretty good there.  It feels good to be in a balanced mental place again.  The stress and worry was going to do me in but I don't have to be quite so focused on the finances.
Now that I can turn my focus elsewhere, I noticed that the stress over that last several years have taken a serious toll on my appearance.  When this whole credit thing started, I was 37 years old but looked okay.  It's been seven years and I feel I don't look okay.  I look haggard and over weight.  So I have been working out regularly and changing my eating habits.  I am removing the stress of the payments, that will help tons!  But what I really needed was to make my face look better.
So I started a regime to get things in better condition for my face and skin tone.  I know it won't be a fountain of youth and I will never get the time back that I lost but I can at least feel better about myself and my appearance!  I also realize that eventually, I may just fork out money for a neck lift-truthfully my neck has always bothered me, even in high school and it was even worse after my car accident.  However, I would like to give it a go with the facial exercises and skin treatments first.  If there is a non-surgical solution, I am all for it!

So I will be blogging to track my progress for the next few months to see if there is any real noticeable progress.  The idea came to me when I was looking for items that would help bring my skin back to better condition.  It was the "before & after" pictures that really got me.  I could see clearly that the "after" pictures where always of slightly different angles, lighting and expressions than to the "before" photos.  I decided I would take the most unflattering pictures I could muster all the time and keep track of any hopeful progress that way.  So look at your own risk.  You have been warned.  


I've tried to keep the pictures consistent, and I suppose after a few weeks I will get a routine. The lighting is going to be tricky too but I will try my best for consistent photos.
  The first picture (Red shirt) was taken first day and June 28th.  The second series was taken today on July 7th.  You can see a very slight change which is something compared to nothing.  My skin is much more clear and firm with the fine lines almost gone, however I still have the deeper smile lines and the gross skin on my neck.  I will especially keep track of these for the next four months to see the results.  I think this will be a fun experiment :-).

Now to the Facial Experiment~
The stuff I decided to use on my face and neck are: Philosophy skin care (love this stuff!), Clarisonic system, Lightstim and Facial Flex.

*First thing I do in the morning and at night before I wash my face is do facial exercises.  I use the Facialflex for two or more minutes combining it with some other facial exercise.  I don't know why I do it first but it feels better when the skin is moisturized before doing the facial routine.  Then I can clean it properly.



*Now I have been using Philosophy products for years and I have always been a huge fan.  Their products are wonderful!  I highly recommend them and they help address all age related skin care needs.

*Unfortunately, I needed a bit more so I also enlisted the use of the Clarisonic.
I have read the opinions that are on both sides of the fence in regards to this hand held cleanser.  Some say it's fine to use each time you clean your face/skin and others say NO!  It will damage the skin so you should only use it at the most once a day.  I decided to take the middle route taking both sides into account and just use it at night before I use the lightstim machine.  I love the way the Clarisonic makes my skin feel.  It has definitely helped with the appearance of my skin and with some of the clogged pores.  That alone is worth the price of admission!  I've always had larger pores so I don't expect them to shrink up and give me porcelain skin-I'm keeping realistic expectations.  I just want healthy glowing
skin!

*The Lightstim is FDA approved in promoting the production of collagen in the skin.  It's a slow going process and will take months and has to be done religiously.  So this is what I do every evening.  Wash my face with the Philosophy(Purity made Simple) using my Clarisonic and with my skin uber clean-use the Lightstim for three minutes in the each of the areas that I want to promote the growth of collagen.  I watch television, decompressing while using it.  It's pretty relaxing and warm.  And when I'm finished it put on more Philosophy (When hope is not Enough) collection.

Now if I could just lose that 15 to 20 pounds-that would probably help a bunch as well!!

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